Page 22 of Our Song

‘Thanks a million, Lol.’Tadhg’s smile is warm as he raises a glass of sparkling water in a toast.‘You won’t regret it.’

I really, really hope he’s right.

Chapter Nine

1999

The thing about me and Tadhg is that, from that very first practice until it all fell apart four years later, and despite everything that happened, things were never really awkward between us.

I can’t explain it easily.I fancied him madly, but somehow, after that first session in the band room, we justclickedtogether.I felt … safe with him.Comfortable.And yes, sometimes I would look at his forearms as he skilfully played the guitar or at his profile, the line of his jaw taut with concentration, as he worked out a solo line, and I’d be hit by a wave of pure lust so strong that I sometimes found myself biting gently on my knuckle.But combined with that strong attraction there was an easiness, one that I had never, ever felt with a boy before.

At first, maybe it was all the happy hormones triggered by playing together that made us so comfortable with each other.When, on the afternoon of our first practice, a bell rang tosignal that it was time for the students to head back to our various houses for tea, we all agreed we’d be spending our afternoons in the band room for the rest of the fortnight.When we left thecoláiste, Katie was deep in conversation with Brían and Caoimhe, and I found myself walking out with Tadhg, chatting as if we’d been friends for years.And even through the stiltedness of talking in Irish, we just … got on.He told me he and his curly-haired friend Ciarán went to a state school in Raheny (so he wasn’t a posh southsider).

‘Ciarán didn’t really want to be in the Evil Twins but his brother has a drum kit so we … How do you say ‘pressganged’ in Irish?’

He asked where me and Katie were from, and when I said Drumcondra he grinned down at me and said, ‘I knew it.Aithníonnnorthsider northsidereile!’and instead of dying with shame I laughed because it was clear he wasn’t being mean and instead had made me feel like we already had a little in-joke.He asked me how I learned to play the guitar, and we bonded over how much we each wanted an electric guitar of our own.I told him about being patronised by men and boys when I went into guitar shops, and he sympathised and said his bandmate Susie experienced the same thing.‘They always think I’m the one who wants to play the bass and she’s just my girlfriend.’

‘Is she your girlfriend?’I said, trying to sound nonchalant.

To my huge relief, he laughed and said, ‘God, no!We live on the same road.She’s like my sister.’

It wasn’t like my fantasies of instant connection in Dublin city centre.It was better.It was funnier.We were bandmates now.We were friends.

He and Brían were staying in the same house, and we kept talking until we reached the turn-off that led to it.After I bid him farewell I guiltily turned around to find Katie was still deep in conversation with Brían.She didn’t seem to care that I had accidentally been monopolising Tadhg and I felt a wave of relief.When the boys left we caught each other’s eyes and I said, ‘Well!’

‘I did not see this coming,’ said Katie in English.

‘Are we in a band with Blues Explosion Boy?’I said.

‘And do I fancy one of those rugby boys?’said Katie.

‘Well,’ I said.‘You did say he was “not terrible”.’

From that day on, I was dreading the end of the course, and time seemed to speed up as the fortnight went on.We spent every afternoon in the band room figuring out and perfecting different cover songs.I’d always been a bit lazy in school, but I never minded working hard in that band room.Now that I understood we needed to practise each song for ages in order to sound good, being in a band was everything I’d hoped it would be.I spent so many hours playing the guitar, the fingertips on my left hand developed blisters, which turned into tiny, smooth calluses.

Eight days into the course we went on an outing to a beach.Tadhg sat next to Caoimhe on the bus, across the aisle from me and Katie, and when I caught the way she looked at him I felt a surge of jealousy so strong I felt sick.How had I not realised she liked him before?

I couldn’t see how he was looking at her.

When we got to the beach, the sun was out.People started paddling, including Caoimhe and her school friends, shrieking at the chill of the Atlantic.The sea was too cold for me, so I left my own friends ankle-deep in the water and sat on a rock gazing out towards America, away from the crowd, and tried not to think about Tadhg and Caoimhe.It was peaceful up there.And surprisingly warm for April.

A shadow fell over me.I looked up, shielding my eyes from the sun’s warm glare.

‘Hey,’ said Tadhg.‘Can I sit here?’

‘You can.’I scooched over so he could sit next to me on the warm rock.

‘There’s no one nearby.’Tadhg lowered his voice.‘Do you think we could …?’

I looked up at him.He pushed back a lock of dark hair and looked left and right before turning back to face me.My mouth felt very dry.I mean, I definitely thought we could, but here?We weren’tthatfar away from the rest of the group!

‘Speak English?’whispered Tadhg, in English.

‘Oh!’I said.‘Um …’

‘I mean, I do actually like speaking Irish.I just thought,’ Tadhg continued in English, ‘it’d be cool to talk without havingto wonder if we actually know how to say what we want to say.Do you know what I mean?Shit, I think I might haveforgottenhow to speak English.’

I swallowed.‘Same,’ I said, in English.

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