Page 113 of Our Song

‘Is that how you see the last two weeks?’I’m trying to hide how hurt I feel.And how angry.‘You doing something for me?Like, out of the goodness of your heart?’

‘No, that’s not what I meant!I’m just glad I can, you know, give you the opportunity to work on music instead of ads.’

‘I thought you contacted me because you wantedmeto do something foryou.Or at leastwithyou.’

‘I did.I do!’

‘Okay,’ I say.‘So why are you talking like you’re … you’re saving me from my perfectly good life?And why are you taking it for granted that I’ll drop everything and let you?’

And then I realise why this whole conversation is upsetting me so much.

‘Oh shit,’ I say.‘You reallydothink I’m your little Cinderella.’

He’s not even the romantic handsome prince in this fairy-tale scenario.He’s the fairy godfather.

‘Of course I don’t!’he says.‘Lol, come on, that’s not what’s been happening.We’re a team.’

I’d thought we were.But maybe I was wrong.

‘Okay,’ I say.‘Look me in the eyes and tell me that since you decided to contact me you’ve never felt, not for onesecond, like you were doing me a big favour.’

He meets my gaze, his eyes troubled.There’s just a moment of silence.But it’s enough.

‘I knew it,’ I say.Although I hadn’t really known it until now.I really had thought we were a team again.I thought we were equals.But maybe we never can be.Maybe we never were, as far as he was concerned.Maybe that’s what this is all about.

Saint Tadhg.Fuck it, I should have known.I should have known.

‘Laura, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean … I just wanted to work with you again.’

I can’t believe I’m having this conversation in Tadhg’s sister’s pyjamas.I think I need to leave.I don’t want to talk to him any more right now because I have no idea what I might say.I might tell him everything, including how I feel about him.And that would really wreck everything.Forever.

I take a deep breath.

‘You know what,’ I say.‘This is a lot for this hour of the morning.I think I should go home for a while.I need a change of clothes anyway.’

‘Don’t go, Lol.Please.’

He follows me out into the hall and stands there as I climb the stairs, nearly tripping over the stupid too-long pyjamas.

‘Can we just talk about this?’

‘We will.But not right now,’ I say.‘Seriously, Tadhg.Not right now.’

I throw my clothes on, grab my charger and my bag and go down the stairs.Tadhg is still in the hall.He moves aside to let me pass.

‘Lol, I just want you to know …’ He looks really upset.‘I don’t take you for granted.I never did.’

I wish I could believe him.

‘I’ll talk to you later,’ I say, and walk out the door.

As I fumble with the lock of the gate and finally, swearing, manage to get it open, I thank God it’s barely eight o’clock and there’s no one in the park to see me stumble out in this state.I haven’t even been able to brush my hair.

And as I walk down the road in the vintage dress he told me looked nice less than twenty-four hours ago, my hair still faintly smelling of last night’s smoke, I think of another time, another conversation, many years ago, when I realised I’d got things very wrong about us and ended up walking down a street alone.

Maybe this is how me and Tadhg always ends.

Chapter Thirty-Two

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