Page 104 of Our Song

He disappeared into the crowd and Fiachra said, ‘Sorry.Duty calls.’

‘Break a leg,’ I said.

‘God, I hope I don’t,’ he said.‘I want to dance with you later.’He kissed me on the cheek and disappeared into the crowd.

Then Katie was grabbing my hand and pulling me onto the dance floor, Tadhg came back with a beer in each hand, Fiachra put on ‘Burning Down the House’ by Talking Heads and the real party began.

Despite how it ended, that was still one of the best dancing nights of my life.It was one of those nights where everything the DJ plays is exactly what you want to hear at that moment, where every bassline, every beat, is danceable and filled with joy.The dance floor was hot and sweaty and magnificent and I wanted to dance all night, I wanted to dance forever.Aboutfifty minutes into his set, Fiachra put on the new Beyoncé song ‘Crazy in Love’ and it was like an explosion of happiness.Tadhg was a few feet away from me on the dance floor.He held out his hand to me and I took it and he twirled me around, just for a moment, and then we both kept dancing.And smiling.We couldn’t stop smiling.

I’m going to kiss him tonight, I thought.I know it.

There wasn’t a single dud song in Fiachra’s set and none of us wanted to stop dancing.Every so often someone would get a bottle of water from the kitchen and we’d pass it around.But eventually all the water drinking had the inevitable result.

‘I’m going to the loo!’I yelled in Katie’s ear.There were only two in the whole giant house, and I figured the upstairs one might have a smaller queue.It might have been smaller, but it was still pretty long.I stood there next to a girl wearing a tattered turquoise fifties dress, a tiara and a prom-queen sash who was quietly puking into a pint glass.The music was almost as loud up there as it was in the main room.After I finally made it to the loo, I looked at myself in the toothpaste-splattered mirror above the sink.My eyes looked huge beneath my fringe, which was behaving itself for once.My curls looked bouncy.My skin was glowing.The dress was as ridiculously flattering as it was the first time I’d tried it on.

If he doesn’t fancy me tonight, I thought,he’ll never fancy me.

This was it.I was going to go downstairs and finally take action.

I took a deep breath and went back to the dining room.Ruairí was behind the decks now.The dance floor was a mass of people, boys in suits, girls in everything from 1970s nighties to big 1980s prom dresses.I scanned the room, looking for Tadhg, and then I saw him at the far side of the room, standing close to the girl from earlier, the one with the glossy black hair.I saw her wrap her arms around Tadhg’s neck and kiss him.

I saw Tadhg put his hands around her waist and kiss her back.

Everything froze, just for a second.

Even when he’s single again, I thought,even when I’m looking the hottest I’ve ever looked, the hottest I could possibly look in my life, he chooses someone else.I didn’t even get a chance to try.

This is it.There’s no hope.

I turned on my heel and ran.

I couldn’t face anyone I knew right then, so I hurried up the stairs, past couples getting off with each other, past some of the newspaper gang having an argument, past a drunk boy who had fallen asleep on the first-floor landing.I kept climbing until I reached the top of the house, three floors up.Then I sat down.When I first saw him kissing Jess I had felt nothing but pain.Now the pain was overlaid with exhaustion.I didn’t want to feel like this anymore.I didn’t want to care so much about him anymore.

After a while I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and tried to pull myself together.But when I saw who it was, my shoulders sagged with relief.

‘There you are!’said Fiachra.‘Bloody hell, those stairs are steep.I’ve been looking for you.Are you okay?’

‘No,’ I said.‘I’m really not.’

I was so tired of pretending to be okay.Why did I keep pretending?

‘Is it Tim?’said Fiachra.He sat down next to me and put an arm around me.‘Or Tadhg?Or whatever his name is?’

I pulled back from his embrace and stared at him.‘How do you know?’A wave of horror washed over me.‘Doeseveryoneknow?’

Ah yes.Thiswas why I kept pretending to be okay.This feeling of appalled humiliation.

‘No, everyone doesn’t know,’ said Fiachra gently.‘I didn’t know until, like, two minutes ago.I saw your face when you spotted him with that girl.You looked … well, you looked kind of devastated.Just for a second.And then you literally ran out of the room.’

‘Do you think other people noticed?’

‘I really doubt many people down there were capable of noticing anything,’ he said.‘Most of them have taken a bunch of yokes by this stage.’

‘You can still notice stuff when you’re on yokes,’ I said with feeling.

‘Words to live by,’ said Fiachra.‘But seriously, Laura.Don’tworry.I just noticed you because I was … Fuck, it feels weird and wrong to say it now.’

‘I’m beyond weird and wrong now,’ I said.‘Say whatever you want, I won’t mind.’

---