Page 77 of Always Been Mine

“I loved Beatrice, but she was a reminder that I was trapped in a marriage I never wanted, and that love slowly grew into resentment. When I realized what was happening, it sickened me. Why blame an innocent girl for my mistake? Seeing you with her now, how hard you’re fighting for her, reminded me of my failures. I failed to fight for the woman I loved, failed to cherish my daughter, and failed to make my marriage work.”

“Ah . . . Beatrice doesn’t know of this other woman, does she?”

The admiral’s eyes flashed a warning. “No and she never will. This is between you and me.”

“Of course. Where is the woman now?”

A pained look crossed the admiral’s face. “She died about six years ago. Cancer. She didn’t want to be the wife of a career military man. She wanted me to quit after a few years. She married someone else, never had kids.”

“Do you still resent Beatrice?”

“Oh, that resentment didn’t last long. It quickly ended soon after her fifth birthday, which I had missed.” Porter’s lips tipped in a rare smile. “I missed almost all her birthdays. When I came home a few weeks after she had turned five, she made it known exactly how unhappy she was with me. Feisty even at that age.”

Gabe found himself grinning, imagining Beatrice as a little girl, facing up against a stern admiral.

The admiral sighed. “Had me wrapped around her fingers by that time. A year later, I got recruited into covert and clandestine operations. I saw a lot of shit, Gabe, did so much shit. How could I go home and hug my little girl after I’d killed someone else’s father?” Porter leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, turning his head to look at him. “At that time we didn’t have the training nor the available help to work through the aftermath of a mission. It was a stigma then to show weakness; we were expected to tough it out and deal.”

Gabe couldn’t agree more. There were many veterans who came home messed up, homeless, and hooked on drugs.

“I remembered clearly the first time I pulled away from Beatrice. I shot and killed the leader of a drug cartel. We had intel that he was at home. He was guarded well, but we were able to breach his defenses. He refused to surrender, and the firefight that ensued was bloody. I shot him in the head and he dropped right beside a bed. I nudged him over and that was when I heard it. Crying. His daughter was under the fucking bed, saw her father shot down.” The admiral rubbed his face. “She was Beatrice’s age. I couldn’t go home and face my own daughter afterward. Then I thought of all the other reasons why I couldn’t let myself get close to her. Our covers were solid, but the longer you’re in this life, the probability of blowback becomes higher. That was when the rift started, and I just let it happen.”

“I think,” Gabe said carefully, “you spent your life being scared of loving someone again. Those are excuses, Admiral. You could have quit.”

“I let myself get drawn deeper into the CIA,” Porter admitted. “An op would take months sometimes. Before I knew it, Beatrice was all grown up, and Lorraine was divorcing me.”

For a fleeting moment, Gabe felt sorry for the admiral andhis shitty personal life, but Porter had chosen his path. He wondered if the admiral would have given up the clandestine life if he had the woman he loved by his side.

As if reading his thoughts, Porter said, “I think about it sometimes, if I choseher, but then I wouldn’t have Beatrice. Even if I was the worst father, I couldn’t deny that she is the best part of me.”

Gabe didn’t even want to think about a world where Beatrice didn’t exist.

“Don’t fuck up with my daughter, Gabriel,” Porter said. “I’ve done enough of that in her lifetime. I don’t think I can change my relationship with her. You saw how I was after her abduction. I don’t know how to be a father.”

“You can try,” Gabe said.

“Thirty-two years too late.”

“Ben, it’s not too late. We nearly lost her. Don’t you think this should be a wake-up call? Doesn’t this defeat your excuse of trying to protect her by showing your enemies you don’t care?” Gabe nudged the admiral. “Maybe you should see the shrink at the NEST.”

Porter stared at him dubiously. “Don’t push it.”

“Okay, then, let’s help you become father of the year. You can help me get dinner ready.”

“Does it hurt, honeybee?”

Doug shifted her in his arms to peer down at her. Next to Gabe, Doug probably had the hardest time dealing with what had happened to her. Unlike Gabe though, her assistant didn’t have the training most military guys had to shut it down. He cried when he saw her arms in bandages. Afterward, he hugged her and had not let her go since he arrived, which was over two hours ago. As for her, she still didn’t know how to feel: anger at the people who did this toher, relief that she was alive, or an underlying anxiety of what still lay ahead. They let her go. Why? Beatrice could only surmise that they wanted her to be a constant reminder to her father and Gabe that they failed to protect her. This was why Beatrice tried to act normal around everyone, because showing how terrified she was with her recent ordeal was letting the bad guys win. But pretending was exhausting.

“It does; I just don’t care,” Beatrice replied.

Doug chuckled. “Pain meds will do that to you.” He brushed her hair away from her face affectionately. “So how are you and Gabe? The man looked ready to slam the door on my face when I arrived.”

“We haven’t spent much time together since I returned. Prior to Travis, Cat, and Nate showing up, I was asleep.” Beatrice warmed over. “Such a great feeling being held in his arms. I feel safe.”

“Hey now, my feelings are hurt.”

“Don’t be silly, Doug. Tell me you wouldn’t feel the same if a man like Gabe was holding you.”

Doug cackled with laughter. “You have a point, sweetie.”

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