Page 71 of The Wish List
Beth’s mouth thinned. “If you want me to stay, I will.”
“You’ve already given up so much for both Freya and me. More than I realized when I was younger. I want you to go and be happy.”
“I’ll come visit as often as I can and call every day if that helps.”
“I’m tired of being afraid,” Trinity said as if she were revealing some huge secret. “Can you help me not be afraid?”
Beth shook her head. “I wish that was an option. Here’s what I can tell you. I think fear is part of life. Sometimes it’s healthy and helpful and sometimes not so much, but you have a choice. Fear can come along for the ride, Trinity. But don’t let it drive. You are in control. It may not always feel that way, but you are. It’s a lesson I’m learning at the same time as you.”
Trinity sniffed. “You’ve always been powerful.”
Beth laughed softly. “I let fear run the show for years. First, my anxiety about letting down Mom. Then the fear of what our neighbors and friends would think about the situation. Then Greg, my coworkers, bosses, doctors. I let my concern about what people would think about me rule the day. I missed out on a lot of things because of it, and I don’t just mean as a kid when I was trying to take care of things. I have no excuse for how I’ve let it take over as an adult. My fear of what other people think about me. Your fear about what you believe about yourself. Two sides of the same coin in a lot of ways.”
Trinity thought about that. “Do you think Freya is ever afraid?”
“I don’t know for sure, but my guess is yes. I think everybody is afraid some of the time and that’s okay.”
“I wish it felt okay.”
“Me, too, but I think it gets easier with practice.”
Trinity drew in a deep, cleansing breath. “I know you’re right. I’ve done things I didn’t think I could or should or other people didn’t believe I could despite the fear. I guess being a mom is no exception.”
“Know that until you completely believe in yourself,” Beth said, squeezing Trinity’s shoulder, her eyes shining with a faith Trinity wished she could have in herself. “I believe in you. I know you can do it. Listen to me if you can’t listen to yourself.”
In her heart, Trinity knew Beth was telling the truth. Her smart, capable sister believed in her. It was a start. “Let’s go get my baby,” she said, and when the fear rolled through her, she breathed it in and then out again.
You can ride along, she mentally told it,but you can’t drive. I am in the driver’s seat.She waited for the terror to grow until it overpowered her. To her surprise she waited a few moments and the fear seemed to settle. It didn’t leave completely but she could manage it.
She reminded herself she would do anything for her baby and followed Beth into the hall.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
FREYAWALKEDALONGthe cheery streets of Magnolia a little over a week before Christmas, mentally choosing shots that she would use when the crew came in a couple of days to film her. She had initially planned to say no to being part of the reality franchise’s holiday special.
This time in her hometown felt too precious to share or commercialize. But something happened when Trinity came home with Thomas. Freya couldn’t explain the effect having a newborn in the house had on her. Suddenly all of the ways her life had no purpose and meaning became crystal clear, and she had no idea how to change it. She couldn’t even find the inspiration to work on her book again, although Trinity told her over and over how good it was.
Freya still hadn’t given the manuscript to Beth. Sharing it with her baby sister was one thing but showing it to her big sister felt like quite another. How was she supposed to consider having a career as an author if she couldn’t even share her work with more than one person? The fear that ruled her life felt ridiculous and embarrassing, but she couldn’t let it go.
So she’d done what she knew how to do to bring in a paycheck and had her agent work out a deal for her involvement in the holiday special.
Of course she wasn’t going to share her real life in Magnolia. She planned to give the crew a tour of the town. She hadn’t yet explained that she wasn’t going to introduce them to her family but doubted it would come as a complete shock. Let somebody else mine the girl-next-door America’s sweetheart vibe. That was never Freya’s shtick anyway.
She looked at the perky swaths of pine boughs and window dressings that typically raised her spirits. Today her mood remained stubbornly in the toilet, and there seemed to be no amount of Christmas cheer that could change that.
If only she had Trinity’s optimistic outlook on life. Freya wished for so many things that seemed destined not to come true. Then something in a window just off Main Street caught her eye.
A woman was arranging a scarf on a mannequin that wore a colorful fit-and-flare dress with a frill neckline. The deep magenta fabric looked like a cotton-blend with the most intriguing pattern of eye-popping gardenias splashed across it. It wasn’t Freya’s style, far too conservative and schoolmarmish. Not one ounce of cleavage would show with that high collar. But she moved toward the shop anyway. In bold letters, the sign above the door readA Second Chance.
She’d noticed the shop on earlier excursions into town but ignored it until now. Freya had plenty of clothes and had been convinced that nothing offered by a boutique in her sleepy hometown would interest her.
Still, shopping nearly always lifted her mood so she figured it was worth a shot, especially as she prepared for the camera crew to arrive. It wasn’t as if anyone would notice her in her ubiquitous black leggings and oversized sweatshirt.
Welcoming bells chimed as she entered the shop, and a woman called out a greeting. Freya wasn’t sure what she envisioned for the store’s aesthetic, but it was nothing like the bounty of stylish apparel items and adorable gifts she found on the racks and rows of display tables.
They weren’t her usual style. No sleek lines or body-conscious silhouettes. The clothes managed to be both trendy and timeless, the kind of style she imagined the author version of herself embodying.
She couldn’t deny the appeal.
