Page 70 of The Wish List
May had been left with three girls on her own when their dad took off for Vegas. May had been completely alone.
The book and the subsequent fame and tour and workshops and new life for their mother had hurt the girls but they’d always had a roof over their heads. Occasionally May had forgotten to pay the electric bill, but at least she’d found a way to make money to support them all.
Trinity wasn’t sure how she was going to manage that feat at this point. How was she supposed to take a shift at a salon with a newborn baby? Could she find a good day care for him or would her mother really be both well enough and willing to help?
Part of her still feared once May recovered and her brain went back to normal, she’d get on with her life again. A life that certainly wouldn’t include childcare for her youngest daughter. Freya and likely Beth would eventually leave. In her deepest heart, Trinity wanted to ask Beth to stay. She knew if her responsible older sister was in town that Beth would take over.
But she couldn’t keep relying on other people. Her pregnancy might have been a surprise, but Trinity was an adult and now a mother. She owed it to herself and her baby to make it work.
Her phone rang as she entered the lobby of the local hospital. “Is everything okay, Beth?” Trinity asked, not bothering with a greeting since she knew Beth was just finishing her shift on the fourth floor. “I just walked in, and I’m on my way up to feed Thomas.”
“That’s perfect.” She heard her sister’s voice in stereo and turned to find Beth striding toward her from the bank of elevators. “He’s being released today.”
Trinity blinked. “No, he’s being released next week at the earliest. That’s what they told me.”
“His vitals are good and he’s gained another two ounces. They’re sending him home early, Trin.”
Trinity felt her heart start to slam against her rib cage. “I’m not ready. I don’t know... What if I can’t...”
She clenched her hands into fists, digging her nails into her palms to try to distract herself with pain. A different kind of pain. She would carve herself bloody if it meant she didn’t have to feel the trembling fright surging through her at the thought of leaving the hospital with her baby. She should be happy but only felt fear.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” she whispered. Beth immediately took her hand and ushered her into a nearby restroom.
“What’s going on, Trin?”
“I’m alone. I have no business trying to raise a baby by myself.”
Beth tried to take her hand, but Trinity shrugged off the touch. She could not unclench her fists. Somehow she knew if she gave up that tight grip, then she would lose even her hold on her sanity.
“Honey, you can do this. You’re already doing it. They haven’t even had to supplement your breast milk. You’re giving him all the nutrition he needs. That’s excellent.”
“Which makes me more like a cow than a mother,” Trinity blurted. “What if he needs something in the middle of the night, and the nurses aren’t there to help? What if he cries, and I don’t know what he wants? I’m not like you. I’m not competent. I’m fun and happy and travel a lot. A baby doesn’t need travel. He needs a mom who knows what the hell she’s doing.”
“Where is this coming from?”
“It’s coming from me. I didn’t realize how much work this would be before he was born. How stupid am I? People know babies are a huge responsibility.”
“Of course you didn’t know. You’re a first-time mom.”
“You would have known,” Trinity insisted. “You should be his mother.”
Beth’s head snapped back. “Don’t say that. If I was meant to be a baby’s mother right now, I would be. Thomas is yours, Trin. I know you love him.”
“I love him. It’s not a question of love. Mom loved us. How much comfort was that to you when she left? Dad told me he loved me every night before I went to bed. It didn’t make him stay.”
Trinity’s breath came out in harsh gasps. What was wrong with her? She’d felt so sure and confident. Now in a moment when she should be happy, all she could feel was terror.
“You aren’t Mom or Dad,” Beth said simply.
Trinity nodded. It was one small fact, but she wasn’t sure she could handle anything more than one small fact at a time right now.
“Do you want to look at other options?” Beth asked. “Because—”
“No.” Trinity shook her head. “I want to feel confident.”
“One moment at a time,” Beth said. “You’ll get there, and we’ll all be here to support you.”
“Not you. You’ll be in Nashville.”
