Page 50 of Love Beyond Wanting
“Kate.”He stopped dancing and pulled me over to one of the many walkways scattered throughout the garden.“You haven’t ruined anything yet, but as your friend, I’m going to be totally honest with you.For a very long time, none of the men here believed that romantic relationships were something available to them.Raudrich finding love with Laurel changed that.They now see love as a possibility, and there’s not a one of them that’s not eager for it.”
“Even you?”I interrupted him in a veiled attempt to redirect the conversation.It didn’t work.
“Yes, Kate.Even me.Listen, Maddock wantsyou.He’s crazy aboutyou.But he’s not going to waste his time on someone who is too scared to take a chance on him.Look at him.”He moved behind me and crouched down to direct my attention where he pointed.
Maddock stood next to the fountain with a mug of ale in his hand as he laughed and visited with a group of men from the village.
“I see him.So?”
He changed the direction of his finger and pointed to three different women standing in different locations throughout the garden.
“Now take a good long look at each of those women, Kate.Look at the way they’re looking at him.I’ve no doubt that women have always looked at him that way, but when he didn’t think love was an option, he never took notice.Now that he does, how long do you think it will be before he sees their interest in him?”He paused and turned me toward him.“He doesn’t want those women, Kate.He wants you.But for a man who’s been alone as long as he has, it might seem more tempting to settle than to end up all alone.”
The thought of Maddock with any of those women caused jealousy to run through me hot and fast.
“So, what are you saying?”
He dropped his hands from my shoulders and stepped back as he shook his head.“Do you want him, Kate?And don’t you dare give me the same bullshit non-answer I’m sure you would give everyone else.”
“Marcus, I am trying.I do…” Marcus’ tone was making me emotional.He’d never spoken to me so harshly before.“I do want him.I just…”
“Stop, Kate.”He interrupted me and his tone softened just a bit.“Trying isn’t good enough.You either decide that you want him, or you don’t.Be all in or be all out.There is no trying.Now.”He bobbed his head in the direction behind me.“I’ll lead by example and push through some of my own fear, okay?There’s a woman over there that I’ve been wanting to speak to all night.I think she’s from Raudrich’s old clan.I’m so nervous I could vomit, but guess what, Kate, I’m going to do it anyway.It’s time for you to do the same.”
Chapter 32
Marcus’ words seemed to get to me in a way that nobody else’s had been able to.He’d said basically the same thing my therapist, my mother, and Laurel had been hinting at for weeks, but there was something about hearing it from him—someone who’d only ever been ridiculously kind to me—that made me realize just how stupid I had become.I didn’t allow myself to indulge in avoidance in any other area of my life—not my work, not my physical recovery.So why was I doing it with my love life?
Yes, the thought of falling for Maddock terrified me.But, so what?If the fire hadn’t killed me, there was no way in hell a little fear was going to make me keel over.
I took a moment to hug Laurel and Raudrich—to wish them well on their honeymoon, then I slipped away to Maddock’s room to prepare myself for what I knew I needed to do.
Once there, I sank to the floor in front of the one piece of mirrored glass in the room and closed my eyes so I could get really, really quiet.It didn’t take long before my mind started to rebel, before it started to throw up all sorts of thoughts meant to keep me from feeling, but I fought against them.As every buried emotion came up, I allowed myself to feel it.
I don’t know how long I sat there—crying, screaming, cackling like a weirdo—while I worked through a year’s worth of emotions over the course of a few hours.
All I know is that when I was done, something inside me was free.I was ready to move on from this problem so I would be ready for the next.But in the meantime, while things were good, I would enjoy it.I was tired of ruining blessings by hanging onto the rotten stuff I’d already been through.
By the time I was ready to go in search of Maddock, the party outside had quieted down.Raudrich and Laurel had already left for the small inn near the tavern where they would spend their first night as husband and wife before continuing on to the Scottish mainland where they would have their honeymoon.Most of the guests were leaving, and Paton was seeing Sydney and her crew to various bedchambers throughout the castle.It looked like all of the members of The Eight would be sleeping in the unfinished cabins they’d been working on for weeks.
“Ye did well, lass.They couldna have asked for a more beautiful wedding and all of that is due to ye.”His voice came from behind me on the stairwell and I smiled as I turned to face him.
“I think you all are allowed to take quite a bit of credit, as well.You’re the ones who did all of the hard work.I just drew up the plans.”
“Lass, ’tis an idea that should’ve occurred to us long ago, but we are all too selfish to have thought of it.I canna fathom that we allowed Nicol to spend every night in the cold outdoors for so long.”
“And what about all of you?With all of the guests being shown to your rooms, will you be forced to sleep in the roofless cottages out back?”
He shook his head, and I stepped down two steps so I would be even with him.
“No, lass.Nicol has invited us to make camp in the garden.So, we will sleep with a view of the stars, but we shall be protected from the wind.
It was now or never.If I didn’t tell him now while my courage was up after my cathartic emotional cleansing, I would never to it.
“Maddock, I need to tell you something.”
He looked concerned.“Aye, lass?Have ye learned something else?Is it about Machara?”
“No.It has nothing to do with any of that.”There were still a few people milling around the castle, and the last thing I wanted was for anyone else to hear my confession.“Can we go someplace where we can be alone?”
