Page 3 of Love Beyond Wanting
I nodded and she shook her head as she exhaled sadly.“You shouldn’t miss your counseling sessions, Kate.Not even once.Why don’t you hop in the shower?We can eat before you leave for your appointment.”
She left without another word, leaving me confused and wondering why my explanation of the books spread out on my desk had caused her to tell me I shouldn’t miss counseling.
At least now I had something to talk about in today’s session.
“What do you think your mother meant by that statement, Kate?”
I sighed and leaned back rather dramatically in my chair.“Please don’t do that.Don’t say the most therapy-sounding thing you could possibly say when I really do want your opinion.If I knew what she meant by it, I wouldn’t have spent all morning wondering what she meant by it.”
She pinched her lips together as if contemplating whether or not to tell me what she was really thinking.“Why didn’t you simply ask her what she meant by it?”
“I suppose I knew that if I did, she would give me some sort of non-answer and it would aggravate me and then we’d get into an argument.”
“Or maybe you were worried that she would tell you exactly what she meant by it and that would aggravate you even more?”
“See?”I pointed at her.“That’s why I don’t like therapists.You clearly believe you know what she meant by it, but you won’t tell me.You’d rather torture me by trying to make me figure it out on my own.”
Dr.Ackard looked as if it was taking every muscle in her face to suppress an eye roll at my dramatics.“I am not trying to torture you, Kate.I just don’t want to answer the question because I don’t know your mother.I don’t know what she meant by the statement.You do know her.”
“Okay, fine.”I paused as I tried to think of another way to approach this with her.“You also believe that I shouldn’t skip therapy every week.So, why don’t you tell me why you believe that?Why do I need to be here so badly?I don’t feel like I’m in a bad place anymore.I feel pretty stable and sound of mind.”
She shifted in her seat but kept her expression calm and collected.“First of all, of course you are stable and sound of mind.Most people who seek counseling are and it’s offensive for you to suggest otherwise.Everyoneneeds help working through things in their life now and again.”
I smiled, feeling vindicated.“That’s my point though.I feel as if I’ve worked through this difficult thing.I feel as if I’m past it.”
Dr.Ackard shrugged and crossed her arms.“Perhaps you are.I really wouldn’t know.”
“What does that mean?I’m in here with you every week.You should know better than anyone.”
She gave me one curt nod and lifted a hand in concession.“You’re right.I should, but I really know nothing about you, Kate.I know a whole lot about your sister’s dating life and your efforts to see her set up via a whole host of online dating sites and disasters.I know a lot about your mother.I know that you loved your job before the fire, but I have no idea how you feel about it now.And now, I know a lot about your sister’s trip to Scotland and your desire to research her location, that I don’t quite understand, but I know nothing about you.”
I didn’t understand her.Despite my weekly reluctance to attend my counseling sessions with her, I spoke to her the whole hour each and every time.I’d talked about all sorts of things over the weeks and months with her.
“But all of those things are about me.”
“No, Kate.They’re about the people close to you.You never talk about yourself.And whenever I ask you about anything related directly to you, you get squirmy.”
My clothes felt suddenly too tight as my defensiveness grew.
“I do not.”
“How was your last date with Dillon?What do you think of his suggestion that you move out of Kate’s apartment and in with him?”
Dillon had nothing to do with this.I glanced at the clock.
“I think I’ve already gone over my hour.”
“My next appointment cancelled.It’s fine if we go over.”
I stood and moved toward the door.“I have to get to Sue’s.It takes a while from here.See you next week, Dr.Ackard.”
She called after me as I reached the door.“Kate.”
I paused with my hand on the handle.
“Surely you can see that you’ve just proven my point.I’m here for you as long as you need me, but you’re never going to make any progress until you are willing to stop distracting yourself with anything and everything outside of yourself.First, it was getting Dillon set up in his dental practice, then it was Laurel’s dating life, now it’s Laurel’s trip to Scotland.Someday you’re going to have to deal with you.”
I left without a word.Sue wouldn’t have to push me at all today.I was too frustrated and fired up.I had more than enough energy to do whatever she asked me to.
