Page 45 of Love Beyond Words
It was hardly what I expected him to say, and with my thoughts clouded by his closeness, I couldn’t recall what he might mean.
“Lie? When did I lie to you?”
He took one step closer and I felt my back bump into the wall behind me. I liked being pinned by him. I liked knowing that I couldn’t avoid whatever he might do or say next. It was nerve-wracking in the sexiest way.
He leaned in and whispered in my ear. My whole body shivered as his breath wafted across the exposed skin of my neck. I closed my eyes and leaned back into the wall as he spoke.
“When I apologized for touching ye, ye said that I dinna do so. I know that I did, lass. Why did ye lie?”
“How do you know I was lying? Even if you think you touched me, perhaps it was only a dream.”
I enjoyed this dance between us—his gentle prying, my pointless denial—it only served to increase the tension between us. It was so unlike me, but oh, so much fun.
“Because, lass…”
I gasped as he leaned in and cupped my breast in the small hesitation between his words. My breast filled his hands and he groaned.
“Machara’s dungeon was not the first time I’ve held this breast in my hand. I knew how ye felt in my arms before this night. My body remembers it clearly.” He removed his hand and stepped away. “I’ll ask ye once more. Why did ye lie?”
I reached out and placed both hands lightly on his chest. I wasn’t ready for this closeness between us to end. I sighed as I prepared to come clean.
“I was embarrassed, Raudrich. You didn’t touch me. I…I turned toward you in the night. You didn’t pull me into your arms. I placed myself on your chest. I touched you. I rubbed against you with my leg. It wasn’t your fault. None of it was. In my defense, I did believe I was dreaming, but when I woke and realized what I’d done, I was embarrassed.”
I couldn’t see his smile, but I could feel it in the darkness. He raised his hands and gently cupped my face.
“Embarrassed? Why?”
“I think because I enjoyed it so much. If it was a dream, I was safe in it. Once I knew it was real, I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t really the woman I was in my dream—the woman who believed someone like you would want to hold me in such a way.”
Only upon saying the words out loud did I realize the truth in them. It wasn’t my actions I was embarrassed by. It wasn’t guilt at having touched him while he slept.
It was knowing that for me to act in such a way while I slept, my subconscious self must’ve believed I was desirable enough that there was no threat of rejection in my actions.
I wanted to be that person so very much. But—as many things seemed to be showing me since arriving in this time—my old self-conscious wounds weren’t as healed as I thought.
I wasn’t that confident go-and-get-what-you-want woman that had rolled over in my sleep and plastered herself against Raudrich as if she were doing him a favor. I was the woman that suspected every man’s kind word held a motive. I was the woman that disbelieved every compliment—the woman that pulled away the moment a man got close because I couldn’t see how they could possibly be genuine. Why on earth would they want me?
I was the woman that could play confident really well, that could sometimes even convince my mind that I was the confident woman I so desperately wanted to be. But deep inside, in my core, I was still that woman who didn’t love herself enough to truly believe that anyone else could love her back.
When I’d woken in Raudrich’s arms to find that my dream was real, it had broken my heart. For in real life, no longer free from all my self-loathing talk, all I could think was how much he wouldn’t have wanted me if he had known I was there.
Chapter 26
God, how he wanted her. He wanted her so badly it stunned him, too badly for him to do as he wished. She wanted him, too. He knew that if he kissed her, they would end up spending the night together. It would be the worst thing he could possibly do for her.
Her admission had made her too vulnerable. If he made love to her now, she would forever wonder if he’d done so out of pity or want. Marcus had been right. This lass, intoxicating as she was, didn’t know how to play this game. He knew it all too well. He had an unfair advantage over her. He was older than her and no longer unsure of the man he was or what he wanted. He would wait until the game could be fair. He very much suspected that once she learned to let go and learned to embrace who she really was—once she learned to wield the power she already possessed—the wait would be worth it.
He would have to take things slowly with her. He would have to get to know her mind before he could know her soul, and he would need to know her soul before he allowed himself to taste of her body.
Laurel’s fears weren’t unusual. He’d known many women in his life that shared such insecurities. What women rarely could see was that men were often riddled even more with such worries.
She’d not known good men as a child, he was almost certain of it. For lassies surrounded by the best sort of men while still children grow up knowing just how lovely and special they are. Too many fathers discount the role they play in their daughter’s lives—mayhap an even more important one than that of their sons. Raudrich knew that if he were ever lucky enough to be blessed with a daughter, he would make certain she knew that it was she, and not the men in her life, who had the power to rule the world.
Perhaps, Laurel’s time here would show her what good men could be—not that Calder’s ignorant and cruel words had helped the situation. He would see to it that the rest of The Eight began to show her the best time of her life. It wouldn’t take her long. Just a simple shift in her thinking could unleash her from the cage she kept herself in.
He looked down at Laurel as he held her face in his hands and gently bent to kiss her cheek.
“Lass, I do want to hold ye. I want to do so much more than that, but this night is not meant for us. ’Tis already the wee hours of the morning and ye are nearly asleep on yer feet. Go inside before I talk myself out of showing such restraint. Once ye close the door, I shall spell a lock for ye.”
