Page 57 of Simply Irresistible
She looked around my apartment, and I knew what she was seeing: old take-out containers and an assortment of empty cans and bottles. “Tyler,” my name came out on a resigned sigh. “I think you know you screwed things up with Melanie and you’re punishing yourself enough. You don’t need my help realizing that. Do I wish you’d talk to me? Of course. Am I going to make you? No. You’re an adult. You need to start figuring this shit out for yourself. I love you, but I can’t make you grow up.”
With that, she left the apartment, the latch clicking quietly behind her.
Silence filled the room.
I looked around, and for the first time in days, I was disgusted with what I saw. I flashed back to a little more than a week ago when Melanie burst in excited to share the news about her meeting with Brianna. I remembered how happy we were and how we made love three times that night.
Love.
Ilovedthat girl, and I let her go.
I screwed up again, and this time, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to fix it.
32
Melanie
I wanted to hate the mixed tape Tyler had made me back when things were good. I listened to it here and there over the months we were together simply because it had been a gift from him. It had some of his favorite songs on it and I wanted to know everything about him.
These days I was listening to it just to feel close to him. I pressed stop on my very old Walkman and ejected the tape, not wanting to listen to one more one-hit-wonder. I twirled the cassette between my fingers for a minute before tossing it to the foot of the bed. The Walkman followed. Out of sight, out of mind, right?
Maybe I was pathetic…but I missed him. For him to go from being such a large part of my life to not existing in it at all was too difficult for me to comprehend. I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t. I was still so deeply in love with him, and maybe it was a lack of closure that kept me feeling that way. Maybe once I knew why he wasn’t speaking to me, I’d be able to move on. Maybe I’d even hate him like I probably should.
The truth was…I didn’t want to move on, and I didn’t want to hate him. I wanted to go back. I wanted things to be exactly as they had been when my life was seemingly perfect. I had the guy and my dream job was falling into my lap…then it all went crashing down.
I checked the clock on my bedside table. It read four in the morning. I had been pulling all-nighters the last three weekends to get some more designs together to build my portfolio. Heather and I had reviewed my goals and were now working on putting together lists of vendors. I’d learned some of the business side of fashion through my job at the magazine and school, but it was a whole different reality when I was doing it for myself.
But this was what I had been working for. This was my dream.
I made wish lists of the various fabrics I wanted to get my hands on. The colors and patterns, too. I wanted mannequins and sewing machines and spools of thread in all the colors I could think of. Measuring tapes and needles and beads…I couldn’t forget the beads. Also an assortment of strings would be great. I felt like that spoiled girl fromCharlie and the Chocolate Factory. I wanted it all and I wanted it now.
Heather also recommended I find an investor so I could get started as soon as possible. I gave her a funny look as I wondered who on earth would invest in a no-name fashion designer, but she assured me that people did just that, and that I wasn’t a no-name with both her support and the support of Brianna. I still didn’t like the idea of riding on their coattails, but I was starting to not hate it at least. It was just the way things were.
As I finished yet another list, my mind drifted back to Tyler, as it always did.
I wondered ifItried hard enough.
He asked me not to let him screw up again. Practically begged me. Did I let him screw up? Should I have used the key he gave me one of those times I went to his apartment? What if I had? What if I went inside and he still didn’t want to see me? That would have hurt worse, I thought.
What if.
What if.
What if.
Ugh.
I couldn’t concentrate.
Part of that was due to the hour, the other part was due to Tyler.
At least he was back at work after spending two weeks out with the “flu.” In the weeks since he’d been back, I still hadn’t seen him once. I looked for him in the elevator, but he must have been taking the stairs. I even rode the car all the way up one day, just to see if I’d spot him on his floor when the doors opened. I didn’t see him, but I had seen Preston when I reached the top level and he gave me a questioning look. I just shrugged and mumbled something about missing my floor.
I moved my notebook to the nightstand and turned off the light, drowning the room in darkness.
It was strange, the darkness. Usually when I turned off the light inside my apartment, the lights from the city would cast a dim light across my space…but tonight there was nothing.
No light.
