Page 60 of Say Something
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The kiss started soft and sweet, tentative almost. It had been years since I’d felt the press of his lips against mine. Felt the touch of his skin and stubble. Felt the wisps of his breath against my face.
It felt good. I felt good.
Danny tasted the seam of my lips and I opened for him. The moment our tongues met, sparks flew through my body. I was sure he felt it, too, since his hold on me tightened.
It wasn’t long before the cab of his truck got hot. Condensation licked all four windows and our rain soaked, writhing bodies made the air thick. I was grinding against him, he was thrusting against me. Steamy was an understatement.
We broke apart and I leaned my forehead against his. We were both panting, our chests heaving. He breathed in my exhales, I inhaled his. We stayed there for a moment, looking straight into the other’s eyes, silently asking,What does this mean?
Something.
Everything.
“Jessie...it’s no secret how I feel about you. I love you, I’ve never stopped.”
“But-”
“No buts, Jess. I was there at the end of our relationship. I know what happened as much as you do. It was a dark period for both of us and now it’s over.”
“But it’s not over, Danny,” I sighed. “I still can’t get pregnant.” This wasn’t a problem that was going to get better with time or go away completely. It was permanent.
He tenderly ran his thumb across my cheek as he gazed at me with adoration. “But that chapter of our life—that pain—it’s over, Jess.”
“Don’t you still want kids?” His dreams couldn’t have changed. He’d always wanted a family—a big family.
“Of course I do,” he answered, and my heart dropped to my stomach. “And if we need to adopt in order to have kids, then that’s what we’ll do. Jessie, I don’t care how it happens, as long as it’s with you. I want to be withyoumore than I want anything else. Shit happened, okay? A lot of it. But it’s in the past now. If you feel like you need my forgiveness, you’ve got it. You’ve always had it. I never blamed you. Not one time. I knew you were torn up, I knew you were blaming yourself. I should have done more to help you emotionally.”
“You did enough,” I whispered, and he pressed a finger to my lips.
“And you were right with what you said before. We never had to deal with conflict and when we finally faced something that was bigger than us, we dealt with it poorly. But we’re not over, Jessie. We were never over, I just gave you the space you thought you needed.”
“We can’t keep living like this, Jess.” Danny sat on the edge of the white sofa, his elbows on his knees, looking across our living room at me. I didn’t make eye contact. I couldn’t. It had been six months since the last failed IVF, since that last day in Dr. Rowland’s office, and I’d completely closed in on myself. I knew it was only a matter of time before Danny was finished dealing with me and my crap.
It seemed that time was finally up.
“You won’t talk to me. You won’t look at me, and God forbid you touch me. You barely even leave the house, except for work, and you’re a zombie there, too. I understand you’re upset—depressed even—but don’t you realize that I’m sad, too? We’re supposed to be in this together, Jess. Instead, I feel like I’m all by myself. I’ve needed you. I’ve needed my wife…my best friend. I want that girl I fell in love with back. Where did she go? Huh, Jess? Where is that girl? The one that was so full of life and love? I know she’s in there somewhere.”
I shook my head, my empty stare focused on the black TV screen. I didn’t even know who that person was anymore.
“She’s in there somewhere,” he said, getting up and walking over to me. He knelt down in front of me and took my hands. I still couldn’t look him in the eye. “I’m talking about the girl who stole my heart in the tenth grade. The one who cheered at all my football games in that sexy little green cheer skirt with my number painted on her cheeks. The girl I lost my virginity to after homecoming junior year. My prom queen. The one I waited years for while we went to separate colleges. Jesus, Jess. If we could get through being separated for all four years of undergrad, we can get through this.”
A lone tear dripped down my cheek, and I cursed myself for letting it fall. I remembered that girl he was talking about. I missed her, too. But she was gone…dead...right there with her hopes of having a family.
“Please, Jess. Please come back to me. If you still love me, if you want to try, say something. Please, Jess. Say something.”
I looked into his light brown eyes for a moment…just a moment. They were glassy, like he was on the verge of tears. My big strong man...he was going to cry.
I broke him. Everything was my fault. I had to let him go. It was the right thing to go. Give him a chance to have everything he ever wanted. A family…
Yes, I had to let him go. It wasn’t just the right thing to do, it was the only thing to do.
I tugged my hands out of his grasp, not missing the way his entire body wilted before I turned away and closed my eyes.
“I want a divorce.”
I was left with nothing.
