Page 17 of Say Something
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The Bar was standing room only. Since it was Friday night, and The Bar was the only location for nightlife in Oak River, it was to be expected. As planned, I’d driven to Michael’s house and we walked over together. There was aCheers-like atmosphere, and everyone seemed to know Mikey’s name. Fortunately, no one seemed to recognize me, not yet anyway, so I was able to avoid any awkward pleasantries. The crowd seemed young—or younger than me, rather—guys Mikey’s age and maybe students from the nearby university. It was probably why I wasn’t approached.
Michael got us each a beer, and we found an open spot to stand in the back near the pool tables. I liked the position because it gave me an unobstructed view of the entire space—not that it was all that big. The Bar was a typical, small town, hole-in-the-wall establishment. It was maybe two thousand square feet with the bar resting along one long wall, two pool tables lining the other, a small stage for live bands and karaoke nights in the back with a tiny dance floor in front of it, and a few high-top tables scattered throughout. Everything was wooden, from the stained floors to the bar top to the paneled walls. There were a few dart boards hanging here and there, and the jukebox in the corner flashed a rainbow of colors in the otherwise brown space.
I could count on one hand the amount of times I’d been in The Bar. I turned twenty-one while in college, so most of the bars I’d gone to had been in the city. Danny and I had stopped in once or twice when we were home for the holidays to catch up with friends, but we spent most of our time with our families on our short trips to Oak River. Plus, I’d cut out alcohol when we started trying to conceive and, subsequently, bars. Now that I was back home, I’d probably spend more time at The Bar, so I’d better get used to it. Classic rock tunes blasted from the jukebox, and I found myself starting to relax, bopping my head to the beat.
“Well, look at what the cat dragged in,” Michael said suddenly.
I followed his stare and startled as my eyes landed on our older brother, Bryan. Melissa was right behind him.
“Hey, sibs!” she called out, raising her hands in the air and swinging her jean-clad hips to the beat of the Bob Seger song that was playing.
“What are you guys doing here?” I asked, leaning in to give each of them a hug. I couldn’t remember the last time the four of us all hung out together. It definitely wasn’t in a bar, since this was my first time out drinking with Mikey.
“A birdie told me you and Mikey were having a night out on the town, so I called up Bry and we decided to crash your party.”
A birdie we all fondly knew asMom, undoubtedly. I looked over to Michael who didn’t seem bothered at all and shrugged. “The more the merrier. I’m glad you guys came. Can I get you guys a beer? Should we do a pitcher now that there’s more of us?” I wondered aloud.
“Blech,” Melissa said. “I don’t drink that crap. I’ll go get myself a cocktail.”
“Bry?” I asked.
“I’m Melissa’s D.D.” He shrugged with a small smile. He was leaning against the wall beside Michael with his arms crossed. His large build and don’t mess with me stance, along with his black t-shirt, jeans, and black boots made him look like a bouncer or a bodyguard. It was hard to believe that guy dressed in a suit most days and worked in a stuffy office.
“Oh, you guys should just walk with us back to Mikey’s and crash there. That’s what I’m doing.”
“Inviting people to my house, Jess?” Michael smarted off, making me roll my eyes.
“You can invite yourself over to my house whenever you want,” I offered in return.
Michael bent forward, laughing so hard he snorted. “Right. That place should be condemned.”
I frowned. “That wasn’t very nice. That place is going to be my home.”
“I know, I’m just picking on you. You’re such an easy target. I’ll help make your house a home.”
His words warmed my heart. There was no greater feeling in the world than being part of my family again. I couldn’t help but think how my emotional journey could have been so much different had I stayed in contact with my family and let them help me heal. Or if I had just let Danny in when he’d tried to break through my walls. Instead, I pushed everyone away and ended up even more alone than I’d been before.
My siblings and I chatted about everything and nothing. Bryan stayed the dutiful designated driver and didn’t have so much as a drop of alcohol. Michael, Melissa, and I, on the other hand, got completely inebriated. I couldn’t remember the last time I let loose and had fun. I was laughing at all the jokes—whether they were funny or not—and it had to be said, Michael’s jokes were never funny.
I was just straightening myself up after being folded over in laughter from Mikey’s latest, when I felt that slow buzz in my veins—and I’m not talking about the buzz of the booze, I was long past that point. This was different. A hum. An awareness. This washim.
In my intoxicated state, I didn’t seem to care that we were divorced, that I didn’t know how to speak around him anymore, or that the mere sight of him could cause me to have a nervous breakdown. I just wanted a glimpse. Just a quick glimpse at Danny, and maybe a whiff, too. He smelled so good, and I missed him so, so much.
My eyes darted wildly across the crowded bar, and like a magnet drawn to another magnet, or a great big piece of metal—or something—my eyes found his. He was watching me with that same sad smile he’d been wearing at The Diner. I hated that I put that sad smile on his sad face again. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to hug him and smell him and—
“Whoa, where do you think you’re going?” Bryan asked as he pulled me back into our little circle by one of the belt loops on my jeans.
“I was just—” I trailed off when I saw the sympathetic look in Bryan’s eyes. He knew what I was trying to do. I’d probably have to thank him when I was sober—if I remembered. “I screwed everything up. I made him sad. I made all you sad. All because I was sad. I’m an asshole.”
Bryan pulled me into his chest just as the first sob broke free. It’s a good thing he did, too, because it was loud, even muffled by his shirt. He rubbed my back and shushed me as I cried; I wrapped my arms tightly around my big brother. I was so damn emotional all of a sudden.
I’m an emotional drunk!That was something I’d never known about myself.
“She’s fine…I don’t think that’s a good idea…thanks, we’ve got her…” I couldn’t hear the voice of whomever Bryan was talking to, but I could only imagine that it was one person. My one person. I wanted to pick up my head and look, but there was one tiny drop of self-preservation that I hadn’t cried out left in my repertoire, and it told me to stay put. So I nestled deeper into Bryan’s chest and closed my eyes.
