Page 63 of Right Place, Right Time (Second Chances)
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jay
Her tears nearly undo me. I don’t want to hurt her. God…I love her…I just don’t want to make her life more complicated. I’d meant what I said, I don’t want her to have to one day choose between me and her passion because of a stupid decision I’d made when I was eighteen years old.
“I’m sorry, Kate. I’m so sorry.”
“Please,” she begs, looking up at me from the floor. Her cheeks are streaked with mascara from her tears. “Please don’t do this. I don’t want to be without you.”
“You’ll be better off without me,” I say, kneeling down in front of her. I can’t look down at her like that. I just can’t. “Kate, you’re going to do amazing things. You’re going to be an amazing teacher. You’re going to be that teacher that makes a difference in kids’ lives. The one they remember twenty years later because she listened to them and cared about them. In the long run, I’d only weigh you down.”
“You won’t.”
“I will.”
“You won’t! Dammit, I won’t let you!”
She throws herself at my chest and wraps her arms around me. Her body shaking with her sobs. I want to wrap my arms around her. I want to comfort her. I want to forget all about this and just be selfish. But I can’t. This is what’s best for Kate. It’s not even about me, not really. It’s about her.
“Kate, this shit is going to follow me around like a black cloud for the rest of my life. It’s never going to be off my record. Ever. That’s somethingIhave to live with, not you.”
“This isn’t new information, Jay. Why now? Why are you doing this now? What has changed? What happened today that made you feel like you’re not good enough for me all of a sudden? I thought we were past this.”
I want to laugh. All of a sudden? Past this? “Kate, I’ve never felt like I was good enough for you.”
She pulls away from me and looks into my eyes, a frown on her beautiful, tear-soaked face. “You’ve never felt like you were good enough for me? Did I make you feel that way?”
I shake my head. “Never.”
“Then why? Why would you feel that way?”
She really doesn’t get it. I abruptly stand up and place my hands on the back of my head. I hate this. I hate this situation. I hate that I let myself get so close…that I letherget so close…that I let myself fall in love…that I letherfall in love. Fuck!
“I’m a convicted felon, Kate!” I yell. “What part of that don’t you understand? It’s not all rainbows and fucking butterflies in my life. People judge me. People move to the other side of the street when they see people like me coming. There are places I can’t get jobs. I can’t pass simple background checks. I can’t vote. There’s a stigma that’s always going to be attached to me. Forever. If you’re with me, that’s going to be attached to you, too. Don’t you get that?”
More tears fall from her eyes, and I continue to feel like an asshole. But seriously…can’t she see? I’m doing this for her!
“I want you in my life, Jay. I don’t care what other people think. I don’t care if other people can’t accept it. I don’t care if I have to change jobs because some stuck-up assholes believe that one mistake defines a person. Those aren’t people I want to associate with.”
Her words make me love her more, if that’s even possible, but they also frustrate the hell out of me. She’s not making this easy.
But why should it be easy? Why should breaking someone’s heart be easy? Especially the one person—other than my best friend and brother—who has always been there for me. It should be difficult. It should fucking hurt.
Kate gets to her feet and steps up to me. I take a step back.
“Jay, please.”
“No. This is how it has to be.”
“But I love you, and you love me. You can’t leave now; we’ve only just found each other!”
“I don’t love you, Kate,” I lie. “I thought I did, but I don’t. Hell, I don’t even think I know what love is.”
“That’s not true. You’re lying! Why are you lying?” She keeps stepping towards me, and I keep stepping back. “Stop moving away from me. Please don’t do this.”
There’s only one way I know she’ll let me leave. It’s a shitty thing to do, and it makes me sick, but I’d rather her be mad at me and hate me than be heartbroken.
“I never loved you, Kate. I just said what I needed to in order to get what I wanted from you.”
