Page 100 of Angel's Flight
“She said Bidaut thought it was too complicated and she mentioned ghosts,” Erik murmured.“It sounds vindictive enough for her.”
“Then we need to go and undo it.Or something,” Christine said, springing up.“We have her.We can make her tell us the details.”
“Why on earth would she do that?”Erik didn’t mean to sound so very condescending, but his tone made Christine freeze, then frown.“I doubt she’d even talk under torture.”
“We’re not going to torture anyone!”
“Yes, certainly if it won’t be effective,” Erik grumbled, and Christine rolled her eyes in frustration.
“That is beside the point.We have to help those people and keep them safe.”Christine chewed her lip as if it would make some solution appear.
“Why though?”Erik asked with a weary sigh and knew immediately by Christine’s look that was the wrong thing to say.“I know it’s the right thing, but...is it?These are strangers.If we thwart her there and let her go, she and Bidaut will just go after someone else.Or us personally until we agree to their terms.”
“What are you saying?”Christine asked, her face stark with a kind of shock and disappointment that made Erik’s insides turn.How could he explain that he did care about people most of the time, but right now, he found it hard to care about anything?Everything felt so dark and hopeless.A world full of dead ends.
“What if we just pay them off and run?”Erik asked with a sigh.
Christine looked at him as if he’d suggested murder, which he had been proud of not doing.“You want to give up?Let them win?”
“I want peace,” Erik countered.“I want to be free of this.”
“What about our future?”Christine asked, something heartbroken in her eyes.“I know you never wanted that money.I know it’s a burden to you, but having it means that, someday, we can finally rest and stop running.”
“I know,” Erik whispered back, his mind swimming with visions of domestic normalcy that made him feel like he was being choked again.A monster and freak like him, who had lived so long on the fringes and underground, couldn’t belong in a life like that.He’d barely survived in this haphazard existence he’d thrown them into.
“We can’t keep going like this,” Christine pushed.“Erik.I can’t endure this rootlessness for much longer.”
“You did with your father,” Erik argued automatically.
“He was running away from life,” Christine snapped back, the honesty shocking Erik.“He was running from the memory of my mother and his failures, and any sort of responsibility, and it nearly broke me too.All I ever wanted was a home that lasted, and the only reason we ever came close to having one was because he got too sick to move.”
“But you survived.”Erik felt like he was being attacked now.Like he had to defend himself and all his choices and desires.“I lived on the road for years too.”
“And you told me what you were searching for the whole time was a home – a place to stay and be safe,” Christine protested, emotion rising in her voice that made Erik cringe.
“I found that place,” Erik heard himself say.“And you made me leave it.”
Christine blinked at him, on a precipice between fury and heartbreak.“You wanted to die there and take everything with you.I begged you to come into the light with me and live.We knew the cost.”
“Did we though?This isn’t...”Erik sank into a chair, cradling his skull as it pounded with confusion and hurt.“I love you and I want to make you happy, but this is so hard.You asked me to forgive, to be brave enough to let go and seek goodness.But I don’t know if I can.I don’t know if I’m truly brave enough to live in this cruel, greedy, confusing world.”
“There’s nowhere else to live.”Christine’s voice was small and hurt, and Erik couldn’t bear to look up at her.“I know this is hard, but that’s the promise we made to each other.To walk in this world side by side, through good and ill.I chose that because I love you and I’d rather face this world with you than without you.”
“Even if that means falling further into darkness and depravity because of me?”Erik asked back, finally looking up.It hurt his very soul to see the tears on Christine’s face.More tears he had caused her to weep.He could do nothing but hurt and corrupt.
“Stop talking like this,” Christine whispered.“Or you’re going to say something we’ll regret.”
“Christine,” Erik exhaled.“I love you more than life, and that’s why I hate doing this to you.If I can’t give you what you want or need...If all I do is hurt you and drag you down...Maybe you should go back to London, and I should go home to—”
“I saidstop,” Christine gritted out.Erik bit his tongue as she turned away before he could indeed say something more he would regret.“I’m going to deal with her.Stay here, or I swear...”
She left without further words, and Erik stared at the door after her.He didn’t understand what he had almost done.What he was still considering doing.He wanted to run, she was right.He wanted to run all the way back to Paris and hide away with his books and music and ghosts and never face these sorts of hardships or people ever again.Christine would be free and he’d be alone, like he deserved.
Was that so different from dying?The thought struck him like a blow.Would fleeing now be any different than flinging himself off a cliff?Would it hurt Christine – the woman he loved and had sworn to stand by – as much as his demise?Or would it save her?Was this what a truly good man would do when he saw someone better than him sinking into darkness?Would that temporary grief be worth it in the end if she could truly live a life of freedom...without him?
