Page 98 of Single Girl Rules: HoHoHo
“I’m sweaty because we’ve been freaking kidnapped!” She grabbedpart of her dress and wiped a ridiculous amount of sweat off her face.
“If you want him to let us free you just have to take yourtits out. No big deal.”
“Gah, fine.” She hid her face with one hand and pulled herdress down with the other for half a second. “There!” she yelled at the TV. “Nowlet us free!”
The words on the screen changed: “Nice tits. But that’s notwhat I want. You have two more guesses.”
“Two more guesses?” asked Ash. “And then what?! Is he goingto kill us? Or worse…unleash a centipede on this plane? That’s my third biggestfear. The only thing worse would be if he made us late…” Her eyes got huge. “Shit,we’re already late for the wedding. My life is over. He should just kill us andput us out of our misery.” She plopped back into her chair and opened her arms,inviting the final blow.
“The banana king isn’t gonna kill us. Because we’re gonnafigure out what he wants.”
“And how are we going to do that? It could literally beanything.”
“Actually, I think it’s a pretty limited list.”
“How do you figure?”
“Well, we’re trapped on a plane,” I said, gesturing to our prison.“And he’s not here. So sexual favors are out. Which is odd, because the bananaking loves getting his dick sucked.”
“I really think he wants money,” said Ash. She fished atwenty out of her purse and slapped it on the table. “Is this what you want?”she asked the screen.
The words on the screen changed again: “I don’t want yourmoney. And why would you think that twenty dollars would be nearly enough?” Therewas a facepalm emoji at the end of the text. Another line appeared: “You haveone more guess.”
“Let’s think this through,” I said. “What do we know aboutthe banana king?”
“Uh… He has a huge dick. And he owns a bunch of hotels. And apparentlyhe really wanted to take my virginity. Oh! And he loves size contests.”
“I think that’s a pretty reductive and frankly insulting viewof a very complex man. Did you forget everything we learned about him atSlavanka’s wedding?”
“I literally had no idea that Slavanka was married untilabout two seconds ago. So yes, I forgot everything we learned about him.”
“You drank a lot of banana juice that weekend, so that makessense.”
“Let’s just focus on the banana king. What did we learn abouthim?”
“So much.”
Ash stared at me. “Like…what?”
“Well for starters, we learned a ton about his Single BoyRules.”
“Is there one about kidnapping a bride on her wedding day? LikeSingle Boy Rule #34: Always kidnap a bride on her wedding day and only let herfree once she agrees to let you fuck her on her wedding night?”
“Wow. Not even close. Single Boy Rule #34 is: First dates arefor making an emotional connection.”
“Well that’s a surprisingly nice rule and now I feel kind ofbad for saying something so filthy. What else do we know about him?”
“How about I tell you the whole story of Slavanka’s wedding? Itwas quite a weekend. And I’m sure it holds the key to solving this riddle.”
“No! Chastity! Do not launch into another two-hour-long story!We’re already so late for your wedding. And now we have an hour time limit beforethe banana king kills us!”
“It all started one rainy evening when we were working late…”
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