Page 58 of Breathless
Even with the distance I’m putting between me and Renee, I’m still brimming with irritation. Like my clothes don’t fit anymore. Like who I am and what I want don’t matchanymore.
Things with Joey could go south because of dumb shit I’ve done, and I have enough issues to deal with at the moment to consider how many ways my past might fuckme.
I’m still in a funk when I reach the party on the beach, but seeing everyone enjoying themselves dulls my pissymood.
I drop the cooler between my truck andEthan’s.
“The tailgating idea was genius,” I muse. “Did I come up with it?” Between three other trucks are lawn chairs and blankets. Coolers everywhere. Loud but mellow music plays in the background. Some of the guys tend to the giant bonfire in the middle, lighting up the nightsky.
Ethan slaps me on the back with a smirk. “No, dumbass. Your girlfriend suggested it. She said you used to tailgate in the back field before games in high school. And it’s better than just having thechairs.”
Girlfriend.
Hearing that word gives me pause. I’ve always been the one to tease Ethan about the chicks he dated. Of the two of us, he was the one who did long-termrelationships.
I give him a big-ass smile. “My girlfriendisawesome.”
Joey is chatting with Kat on the other side of the bonfire. Even though we spent most of the day together, not to mention the past week, there’s nothing more I want than to hang out with her alone, especially after what happened at the gasstation.
Ethan studies me a second before he leans closer. “I wasn’t kidding when I told you to take care of her or I’d kick your ass. You’d better treat her withrespect.”
Annoyance flares again, and I ask under my breath, “Does everyone think I’m a giant heathen? Like I’m going to fling off my clothes for an orgy? What the hell,man?”
He places a hand on my shoulder to turn us away from our friends. “Logan, she’s not like the other women you date. Just… she’s been sheltered. She might not know how to guard herheart.”
What does that even mean? Guard her heart? “I’m not gonna hurt her. She’s my best friend, for fuck’s sake.” This whole conversation sounds too familiar, and my stomach knots. When my brother brought it up yesterday, he and Brady were ribbing me, giving me shit like they always do. This, though, this isdifferent.
Ethan’s eyes narrow. “You ready to cut out those extracurricularactivities?”
Anger heats my blood, but I remind myself I can’t be mad at him. Not when he’s why I’ve busted my ass all this time to keep shit onlockdown.
But the idea of Ethan doling out the same advice as our father, albeit less heavy-handed, still feels like a punch to mygut.
Tori strolls over and wraps her arms around my brother, smiling at him like he’s a king. Grinding my teeth together, I force myself to keep it together a littlelonger.
Wait until after the wedding and they get back from their honeymoon. They’re so happy right now. Do not fuck thisup.
I cough. “I promise I only have the best intentions. I won’t mess this up.” Any ofit.
Ethan nods slowly and focuses his attention onTori.
Needing some space, I head over to my truck, lower the tailgate, and hop on. I stare into the fire, not really seeinganything.
A sensation I know too well seeps into me. Hollowness. The kind that makes me want to claw at my skin to see if there’s a heart still beating in mychest.
After my father died, my mother dragged me to a shrink. She said I needed to talk to someone because finding him face down in his own vomit wastraumatic.
I much preferred getting shitfaced and fucking to those sessions with Dr.Pritley.
Fortunately those therapy sessions only lasted about a month. By then Ethan was back from A&M with his pregnant fiancée, and money was tight. I gladly bowed out, reassuring my mom I was okay with a you-can-take-me-seriously sorta smile and a few jokes. She probably figured you can’t joke around if you’re depressed asfuck.
My vision sharpens, and Joey gives me a hesitant smile from the other side of thebonfire.
Tilting my head, I hope she gets mymeaning.
She hugs Rambo to her chest and looks down, and for a second, I wonder if she’s gonna ignore me—she might after what happened this afternoon—but she trotsover.
I slide off the bed of my truck and motion toward one of the lawn chairs sprawled in front of the fire. “It’s warmer downhere.”
