Page 82 of Here and Now
My stomach clenches and then my breath quickens. I want so badly to be someone else. A girl who could step to him, ask him how he feels. To give myself over to these damn feelings. To know that I could have a life, love, friendship, or even just a damn good time.
Then I think about what is in my past, the men who want to kill me and my son.
But what life am I living anyway?
I live in fear and if I tell him what this can be, and he accepts it, it could be enough.
“Miles,” I say his name softly. “There are ... things in my life ...and I can’t ...” This is so fucking hard. Part of what Quinn has said is that I can’t tell anyone. The entire point of me staying hidden is that no one can know. I huff, suck in a breath, and say what I feel safe saying. “I like you. I like you, even knowing it isn’t a good idea, and that scares me.”
He takes another step forward, his hand moving to my face, and I flinch. “Penny, I’m not going to hurt you.”
My jaw trembles. “In my past, I made bad choices, and those decisions had consequences. One of them is that I don’t trust easily. I also will always put Kai first. Always.”
“I would never ask you to put your son anywhere but in the front.”
This is why it’s so easy to like him. He’s ... amazing.
And he can never be mine. Not when I know I wouldn’t be strong enough to leave him. If I let him in, he’d take hold of my heart and I’d never get it back.
For Kai, I have to be strong and be ready to protect him.
“I can’t date you.”
“You can.”
I laugh once. “I can’t, Miles. I can’t do it.”
“Why? Tell me one good reason and I promise I’ll stop.”
I don’t want him to stop.
Which makes me want to cry, because he’s literally offering exactly what I’m asking for. Yet it’s not what I actually want.
I hate my life some days.
“Because I’m not ready to date anyone, and even though I care about you, it doesn’t change things. I ...” I move closer, my hand resting over his beating heart. “I can’t give you more than this. We can do these coincidental dates and the flirting, but I can’t be in a serious relationship. Right now, I need to focus on getting my life together and making sure Kai is safe and happy.”
His finger moves under my chin and tilts it up. “And who is going to make sure you’re safe and happy?”
“Me.”
He shakes his head. “No, sweetheart, you have me to do that for you too. I hear what you’re saying and I understand it. You have a past? I do too. I’m sorry anyone ever hurt you, but I never want to bethe cause of any pain in your life. So we’ll coincidentally keep running into each other. Maybe we can happen to see each other for dinner tomorrow?”
I can’t say anything because I’m pretty sure I’m about to break down in tears, so I nod. “Maybe around six?”
“I could maybe bring something to the house and we could eat?”
My head and my heart are at war. I want everything with him, but then I can’t find a way to convince myself that it’s okay.
But then I think about what my sister-in-law said. What Ainsley and Hazel say about Miles and who he is. All the things he’s shown me over and over and ... we’ve already shared moments and I’m still standing.
What if I ... took a small part of it?
What if I give in to just something?
Before I lose my nerve, I speak. “Miles?”
“What, sweetheart?”
