Page 33 of Here and Now
When Gran had a fall, I was furious with myself for having a full-fledged panic attack as I tried to walk through the hospital doors and couldn’t.
I can’t do it.
I’ve tried. I’ve talked to the school counselor about it, hoping maybe a trained professional could shed some light on why a grown man who has no other issues, and is fully able to rationalize things, can’t walk through the damn doors.
Since I can remember, I got nothing other than hospitals are a trigger, and it all ties back to my mother’s death.
“If either of you think I want to be this way, you’re unhinged,” I say, tossing my ankle onto my knee.
“Would you do it for a kid?” Eloise asks. “If Ethan or Cora needed you, what then?”
“Let’s hope I’m never faced with it, although I’m pretty sure I’d do what needed to be done. I was perfectly happy waiting for Cora to come home and keeping Ethan from terrorizing the nursing staff.”
Gran chuckles. “That boy is all his mother.”
“Yes, he is.” I push that topic, knowing it’ll be much more enjoyable than my fears. “He’s just like her. I feel like we should examine why that is? Is it a genetic trait? Nature versus nurture, maybe? I guess we’ll know once little Cora grows up and we can see if she’s like Doug more.”
Eloise rolls her eyes. “I’m going to enjoy every moment when you become a dad.”
“Since I plan for that moment to happen—never—it’s a dream you’ll have to let die.”
And people die, which is why becoming a parent isn’t on my list of things I want. I’d rather not take the risk.
six
Penelope
“This place is so cute!” Ashton says as she looks around the house. “You did such a great job, Penny.”
It’s come together nicely. Much better than the last place we lived. “I really like it.”
“And Kai seems to be happy?”
I nod. “He likes the house, but meeting the other boys on the hockey team has made all the difference.”
Ashton plops on the couch, sighing heavily. “And you?”
I sit beside her. “I’m fine.”
“Do you like the town?”
“I do.”
“Good. I like that we’re only a few hours away too. It gives me more of a chance to see you guys. You know the offer still stands that you can stay with us.”
I smile softly. As much as I appreciate her saying that, I couldn’t do it. First of all, I’d kill my brother after the first time he told me what to do. Second, I need my space. Not to mention being a single mom is my responsibility. More than anything, I wouldn’t want to do that to Quinn and Ashton.
The two of them have dealt with some pretty horrible situations, and while I get that it’s what my brother is trained for, it doesn’t mean I want to be the one to walk it back into his life.
“I love you for saying it, but this works for now.”
She takes my hand in hers. “I get it. I just miss you and wish we had more time together.”
“Me too.”
“So tell me about the town. Have you made any friends? Kai couldn’t stop telling Gabriel about his coach ...”
Of course he’d tell my nephew, but I have a feeling my brother was there as well, which could be a really bad thing.
