Page 156 of Here and Now
“You have it or at least know where it is, so let’s stop the charades,” he says, coming to crouch in front of me. “I’ve been patient and let this go on long enough. However, I have a plane to catch, so we’re going to speed this up.” He jerks his head, and a minute later the door opens as they bring Kai in.
“Mommy!”
I gasp, trying to stand, but I’m grabbed and shoved down. “Please don’t hurt my son,” I beg, tears falling rapidly as I stare at my little boy. My innocent child who did nothing wrong. His decisions didn’t bring him to this—mine did. “Please,” I say again.
Kai’s eyes are on me, and the fear shines so bright and I feel so much pain in my chest that I can’t breathe.
God, I hate this. I hate that he will have felt a moment of fear because of me.
“Tell us where the book is, Penelope, and no one will get hurt.”
The lie wraps around me, shattering me to my core. The moment they have that book is the moment I will draw my last breath.
Time is up.
The last piece of sand has fallen and I have to save Kai.
I look into the senator’s eyes, knowing that there is no more I can do, but give him what he wants. “Kai goes back to the other room,” I say firmly. “He isn’t here or hurt. Do you understand?”
He nods once.
“I want to talk to him,” I say pleadingly.
I have to say goodbye.
The senator waves his hand. “Bring the boy to his mother.”
Kai is released and runs to me, his arms wrapping around my neck as I cry into his. This is goodbye for us. How do I do this? How can I say goodbye to him? My heart is not only broken, it’s shattered. I’ve failed as a mother.
I’ve failed in every way.
With strength I didn’t know I had, I release him, pulling his face to look only at mine. “Everything is going to be okay, baby.”
I lie to him, needing him to see me this way. That I was strong and unafraid. He needs to know that I did this for him. To save him because he’s worth my own life. He’s worth more.
“Mommy.” His voice breaks, but I force a smile.
I rub my thumb along his cheek and then brush his hair back. “I love you more than anything in this world, you know that, right?” He nods. “You are smart, and kind, and everything good. I amsoproud of you.” It’s as though someone is punching a hole through my chest, but I soldier on. I need him to know how much I love him.
“I love you too,” he says, his eyes swimming with tears.
“Don’t be scared. Just know that no matter what you’re going to be okay, and I amalwaysgoing to be with you.” I sniff and kiss his nose. “You are never alone, my sweet boy. If you close your eyes, I’ll be right there, in your heart, guiding you wherever you need to go.” I hiccup on the last word. He has to survive this. He has to be okay, because I’ll lay down my life now, if it means he has a choice. I suck in a breath, rubbing his beautiful face, memorizing every curve. “Now you have to go back in the other room and stay there, okay?”
He shakes his head so fast. “No, no, I want to stay with you!”
“I know, but I need to talk to some people, and it’s an adult conversation,” I try to explain. “Can you be brave for Mommy?”
I stare into Kai’s warm eyes, the ones that mirror my own, and pray the rest of my plan will work—for his sake.
Kai’s jaw trembles, and tears fall down his face, so I clutch him to my chest once more, sending all the love I have for him in this embrace, needing him to feel it, to know deep in his heart that no matter what, his mother loved him.
Everything I did was to keep him safe, and I’ll do it now too.
I force air in my lungs, gathering the little strength I have left, and pull him back. “Go with them. You’ll be safe and it’ll work out.”
Kai cries as the other man pulls him from me. He’s kicking and screaming, and I watch him, trying to calm him with my eyes, but I can’t. He wails and I cry harder as soon as he’s away from me. I bury my face in my hands, despair and sadness coming like waves, drowning me in a sea of grief.
Minutes go by, and my tears don’t stop until Kai’s quiet. Even after he finally settles and I can’t hear him, I cry because I can do nothing else.
