Page 128 of Here and Now
“That what?” he asks, his fingertip brushing across my lips. “Tell me what you’re trying to convince yourself and I promise I’ll find you a flaw.”
I take his fingers in mine, intertwining them and staring at our hands. I may not be able to give him all he wants about my life, but this isn’t the past.
This is the now and ... if I have to walk away tomorrow, I would want him to know what he truly means to me.
Miles’s warm green eyes glimmer in the soft light of the bedside lamp.
“That I think I’m falling in love with you.”
He shifts his body closer and slowly leans down to kiss me. Each kiss feels different. It’s as though he tells me somethingmore and more every time. In this one, I feel his love. The tenderness pours from him and I drink it in.
He deepens the kiss, pulling his hand from mine and bringing it to my face, moving me to be closer to him. My hand goes around his back, leaving no gap between us.
He gentles the kiss and then pulls back. “I think I’ve already fallen in love with you.”
Instead of feeling absolute joy, my heart is swarmed with pain and anger.
He can’t love me.
He can’t love a person he doesn’t even know.
God, I didn’t think it would feel like this. I had no idea that love could hurt because it might not last.
I let the tears come. They wouldn’t stop even if I wanted them to.
I let all the sadness that I’ve been feeling for years come to the top, because I know Miles won’t let me drown. Every emotion of fear, shame, despair, and hate bubbles up, making every part of my body ache.
I’ve struggled so much, I’ve been so fucking alone.
I’ve tried to keep it together, only crying in the shower, where no one could see or hear. To make the best of the situation because Kai deserved a better life than what I could give him.
All I’ve wanted was better for him and me.
Now I have it. I have it with Miles and he said he loves me. Why? Why can’t I dream for more?
Because I made bad choices, that’s why.
Miles pulls me against his strong chest, holding me together as I fall apart.
“Penny, sweetheart, please don’t cry.”
I wish I had any control, but he shattered me with his confession.
He doesn’t let go and murmurs words of encouragement as my body is racked with sobs.
I cry for the life I lost.
I cry for the fear I’ve been living in.
I cry for the man I don’t deserve who loves me.
I cry for the loss I know I’llhave to suffer.
Losing Miles will be a pain like I’ve never known. I won’t heal from it because it’ll be so deep in my soul.
Finally, the sobs start to subside and I gain control. He lessens his hold and stares down at me.
“I’m sorry,” I say, sniffling. “I know that’s definitely not the reaction you were looking for.”
