Page 111 of Here and Now
Penelope gives it back and I start to do what she did. She lets out a low hum from her chest and I keep doing it. Seems girls like this. Okay then. Good to know.
I keep going and my other hand goes for the knot in her neck. Penelope is limp and compliant in my hands. I could keep her like this all day.
However, the water is cool and I’m pretty sure my ass is asleep so I put the massager down and help her out of the tub, wrapping her in a towel and rubbing her arms.
She lifts up on her toes and gives me a kiss, my heart swelling at her touch. When she drops back down, her blue eyes stare into mine, and the sincerity of her words takes my breath away. “Thank you for taking care of me.”
I bring my hand to her face, rubbing her soft cheek with my thumb. “Always.”
We’re in bed with her head in the crook of my shoulder, and her fingers move to the tattoo over my right shoulder. She rubs the puckered skin, reminding me of a time I’ve tried to forget.
She doesn’t ask, but I offer up the explanation, wanting to be close with her, to know my faults as well, share a true intimacy with her.
“It was during a deployment. Doug and I were part of a recon unit. Our job was simple, get in, get out, and don’t get caught.” My memories come back as though I’m watching it happen in real time.
“You don’t have to tell me,” she says quickly.
I want to give her parts of me so she might give me something of hers.
“I was lead of the team, and it was three of us who were going for a routine scout. I had a weird feeling, you know? Like something wasn’t right in the air.”
I look at her and she nods. “Quinn calls it his Spidey senses. They go off and he knows something bad is coming.”
“A lot of us have it. Mine was flashing red lights, but I figured it was nerves or something because we were going to an area where something happened two days before. We had a source tell us the people we were looking for were at that location.”
Doug didn’t trust the source, but I did. It was my call, and I walked us into hell. I needed to believe it because we had a job to do and there were so many people’s lives in our hands. That information was vital.
Penelope’s crystal-blue eyes fill with unshed tears. “I have a feeling I know how this goes.”
“We were being followed and none of us caught it. I’m trained to catch it. To know when the hunter is being hunted. Being a part of the recon team meant having good instincts.”
She rubs her finger against the puckered skin. Then she leans in and presses her lips to it. “You survived and you’re here.”
“Barely.”
It was the worst few days of my life. No one would tell me what happened to everyone else. Doug and Billy carried me out, but I didn’t know if they were hit as well.
I was lying in that hospital bed, my skin crawling because I was so sure I was going to die there. Everyone dies in the hospital—I needed to leave, but they wouldn’t let me.
I recall the way it felt, the fire burning through my shoulder as though someone was holding a match and wouldn’t move it. The pain was unbearable, but it was nothing compared to the fear that my friends were killed.
“I remember the instant before,” I confess. “I was scanning the area again because that feeling just wouldn’t ebb, and I saw the muzzle. I acted on pure instinct. He was going to have a head shot on Doug. It was lined up perfectly. I threw him down, and I felt the bullet before the sound registered.”
“You saved his life.” The reverence in her voice is too much and undeserved.
“I walked him into it, Penelope. I made the choice and hecould’ve died. That doesn’t make me a hero or noble. It means I was wrong and we were lucky.”
She purses her lips. “You sound so much like my brother when he talks about certain missions. He had a lot of trauma, and most of the time he pretends it didn’t happen. However, I can’t imagine that Doug or Billy ever blamed you.”
“They say they don’t.”
Her fingers go back to the hollow at the base of my throat. “And you don’t believe them?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know that I deserve their absolution.”
She scoots up so we’re face-to-face on the pillow. “Absolution isn’t yours to decide to grant. It’s theirs, and if they’ve given it to you, accept it. It’s as much a gift to the giver as the receiver. I think it’s part of healing. If they carry that anger, that fear and rage, then they weigh themselves down. I used to think that forgiveness was a weakness. That if I forgave someone who hurt me, then I was stupid, but I think it’s the opposite. It’s the unwillingness to have hate fill you. I also think there is a difference between forgiveness or absolution and acceptance.”
I kiss her forehead, breathing in her warm jasmine-and-rose scent and holding her so tight I’m not sure I want to ever let go.
