Page 125 of All Too Well
“She would’ve loved this,” I say absently.
“I think so too.”
“When did he do this?”
“About six months after she died. I think he started the planning for it the day after. He told the Admiral he wanted something for her to live forever in. He didn’t want to sprinkle her ashes. He wanted her close. When he had the fountain made, he had her ashes put in the concrete up here.” She points to the top layer.
I lift my hand, allowing the water to rush over my knuckles. With my eyes closed, I try to remember her face, how she smiled, the way her tears would fall as she apologized for not being stronger.
I thought she was the strongest woman on the planet, even at her weakest.
She tried. I know she tried. I was there and watched her get up each time she fell, desperate to be the mother she thought I needed.
Little did she know she already was.
Ainsley’s hand slides up my back and rests on my shoulder. “I would come here to talk to her,” she confesses. “It feels like she’s here. Your dad slept on that bench for a solid two weeks after this was built.”
I turn to her, my heart pounding. “It doesn’t change the past.”
“No, it doesn’t, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t find a way forward. Otherwise we’re just stuck.”
It feels as though I’ve been stuck for a long time, unable to let go of the past and unsure of how to handle the future.
All I know is that I want to do better. I want to give Rose stability, which is something I never had. At the same time, I don’t know that I’m doing any better than my parents did.
She has no one, really, but me.
She wanted me to marry Ainsley after the first day because she doesn’t have a mother.
I just can’t handle watching another person walk out of my fucking life because things are hard.
Life is hard.
Staying is harder.
Leaving should be hardest.
“I’ve been trying to do that for years.”
Her hand rests on my face, brushing the stubble on my chin. “Maybe you just need someone to give you their hand.”
“I’d pull you down, Ainsley.”
“I’ve got pretty good footing.”
I wish that was true. The fact remains that Ainsley leaves and I will stay. We’d be building a house on unstable ground, hoping the foundation doesn’t crack.
I remove her hand from my face, entwining ourfingers. “Come on, let’s get to bed before your father wakes up and I have to answer those questions.”
Sadness flashes in her eyes, but she recovers quickly. “All right. Let’s get some sleep.”
“And the ship was so big and I got to climb into a bed and see everything!” Rose exclaims as she jumps out of the truck.
Today was a day she’ll never forget.
The Admiral was true to his word and got her a tour of the ship. She was in heaven. Her smile never wavered, and as much as this detour was not exactly what I wanted, Rose is happy.
“I’m glad you had fun,” I tell her.
