Page 104 of Broken Dreams
If this stops being convenient, then we walk away and no hard feelings.
“What if I don’t know?” I ask her.
“That’s fine too, Addy. I don’t think we have to know the answers, but I remember you were worried that your feelings for Grady weren’t at the same place his are.”
“I know. I do like him. He’s a great guy, but I also am aware of his stance regarding loving someone again.”
Brenna watches me. “I need you to explain that.”
“He doesn’t want it. He has endured the loss of his wife and that was enough for him. Then, he had to give Jett up while he was deployed and I think he struggles with giving a part of himself to anyone else right now.”
“That doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind.”
I shrug. “I can’t expect or hope for different.”
And I get being afraid. I’m still scared, which is why I think this might work out.
“Okay, I’m going to give you advice you aren’t prepared for,” she warns. “I think you should have as much sex as you want with Grady Whitlock. I mean, bang him until you can’t walk and then bang him again if it makes you feel good.”
I nearly choke on my breath. “What?”
“I’m serious. You’ve spent your entire life being in a grown-up relationship. I admire that you want to start dating again. I wassonot ready, and I don’t know that I ever would’ve been if it weren’t for Jacob. What you’re doing now is fun and it’s consensual and safe. You and Grady are in a committed relationship, no matter where it goes from there. Have fun, Addison. Have orgasms that make you run to your friend’s house to tell them about it and question life.”
“Like I’m doing now.”
She raises her coffee cup. “Exactly. Now, tell me the fun details.”
And I do, I tell her about the whole night and the possibility for tonight.
* * *
What does one do when waiting for their non-boyfriend/boyfriend to come over and fuck their brains out?
Am I supposed to watch TV? Porn? Does he really want me to be naked? So many questions and so much anxiety around it.
I look at the bed that I am supposed to be naked in when he arrives and then wonder if I can actually do it.
I’m so damn inexperienced. I imagine being someone else, someone like Blakely, who has no reservations about anything in life, and try to channel that.
“Come on, Addy, take the shirt off,” I try to pep talk myself, but I can’t do it.
I grab my wine glass and drain the contents. Trying not to have a repeat of the last time I drank wine, I only have a glass—not the bottle.
My phone pings and I grab it quickly.
Grady
Do you still want me to come over tonight?
I chew on my thumbnail. This is my out. I can tell him no, pretend I’m sleeping, go move the key, and just...wait for our trip in a few days.
Or I can do like Brenna said and have all the orgasms I can get.
The key is where I said it would be.
Grady
I’m aware. I’m holding it in my hand. Should I use the key, dove?
