Page 34 of Keep This Promise
I’m grappling with my emotions.
How can I feel even a little happy about the fact that, even though Theo is gone, I have Holden in my life?
It’s crazy. It’s wrong. All of it makes me feel an immense amount of guilt. I should not be happy. Full stop. I should be miserable at all times. I shouldn’t be happy when Holden smiles at me. I shouldn’t feel flutters in my belly when I catch him looking at me. His handsomeness definitely shouldn’t be on my mind.
Yet, it is.
I know that, in a way, it’s understandable, right? I am a woman with needs. I have neglected them by telling myself there are more important things for me to focus on. I was fine with what I had. Friendship is acceptable to many women, and more than my parents ever had.
And just because I look at Holden this way, doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong.
At least, that’s what I have to tell myself because it doesn’t feel understandable. It feels like betrayal to Theo.
Which I can’t reconcile.
Each time I say how wrong it is, I follow it up in my head with how Theo really wasn’t my husband. We never made love. We never had that intimacy of sharing a bed. We were a fucking Regency romance novel with separate bedrooms. No, we weren’t even that because, at least in the novels, he would visit my bedroom. My door never opened.
Not unless it was Eden coming to wake me.
Still, I feel loyal to him. I have no idea if he ever was with another woman, which maybe I should’ve asked, but it didn’t matter to me. So, why do I feel it matters to him?
I tap my pen on the paper, pondering my maelstrom of emotions around this.
Then, as I start to write, there’s a loud knock on the door.
I freeze, looking up without lifting my head. Holden is at work, and it’s our first day being here completely alone. Eden is napping, and since I’ve been here, no one has just stopped by.
I’m not sure what to do. Do I open it? What if it’s the person I’m supposed to be running from, and they’ve found me? Nerves start to build, and I consider my options of escape.
I could go out the back, but if there are multiple people, that might not be the best idea.
Then, I hear another knock, which is followed by a voice. “Goat tacos.”
Jackson.
I rush to the door, feeling relief that it’s not someone looking to harm me. I still peek through the hole to make sure it’s him before I open the door.
He smiles. “Good to see you, Sophie.”
“I’m glad it’s you.”
“Don’t worry, I’ve been watching, and like I said, we have people here keeping an eye on things.”
Yes, but it’s not that simple not to worry.
“I haven’t seen anyone.”
“You’re not supposed to.”
“Is Zach still around?”
“No, he went back, you have one new guy and Miles is still here, they’re both completely capable.”
Still, it would’ve been good to get some kind of signal so I knew he was around.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, remembering how he said he couldn’t visit because he knew people here.
“I was able to use my friends in town as a way to come check in. How are you doing?”
