Page 119 of Help Me Remember
Her brown eyes are swimming in unshed tears. “You are engaged to Spencer?”
“I was. I guess.”
“I’m both happy and sad.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because, for a very long time, your father and I would talk about what we would do when you and Spencer finally saw each other. He knew that boy was made for you. It drove your father crazy, and I remember a time when your father wanted to stop letting Spencer stay at the house because of it.”
I never knew that.
She smiles sadly. “We could never have abandoned that boy, though. Not only because his mother did that enough but also because we loved him. Isaac loved him and so did you. He was a part of our family. He would bounce between our house, Emmett’s, and Holden’s, but we all tried to love him fiercely since he was always experiencing the opposite end of it.”
“I figured all of that. I remember the birthday party that we threw him because his mother didn’t show up to pick him up. He was so mad that day.”
“She did it a lot. However, it didn’t stop your father from worrying that, one day, your relationship with him would change.”
“I don’t get it.”
She takes my hand in hers. “Love has to be nurtured. You plant a seed and hope that it sprouts. Then you have to tend to it like you would a plant. You water it, give it sun, talk to it, and tell it how special it is. If you’re lucky, the seedling becomes a plant with good roots because of how you treated it in the beginning. You planted that seed when you were just a girl, and I watched Spencer do the same.”
That doesn’t make sense. Sure, I did. I was a teenager who thought he was the most amazing man in the world. “Spencer never planted a seed.”
She laughs. “Yes, he did. It was when you were leaving for college. The two of you spent the night together at the warehouse that you now live in.”
I stare at her in astonishment. “You knew?”
“Of course, I knew. I saw him look at you the next day. It was like he was coming up for air after being tossed in the waves. He planted that seed, and the two of you nurtured it in your own ways.”
“And now it’s dead,” I say, feeling that way inside.
“Why?”
“Because he lied. He let it shrivel up and die.”
My mother, who is never one to hold her tongue, scoffs. “You’re ridiculous. Wealllied.”
“Yes, but I knew you were.”
She leans back. “And you assumed he wasn’t part of the unanimous all? I imagine that was tough. I can even understand why you felt the panic you did. It’s as though everything you believed you were building suddenly had the foundation washed away. But now what? Now you punish him and yourself? You run away and live out your days at my house when we both know you don’t really want to be here, considering we usually last two days before bickering.”
I smile. “Sometimes three.”
“Yes.” Mom laughs. “Sometimes three. My point is, from what it sounds like, you fell in love with Spencer Cross all over again. You didn’t have the memories of a whirlwind love affair that ended with a ring, and yet, you chose him. Not Henry, who came back when you believed you were still with him. Not some mystery man, who you thought you were engaged to.” She lifts her hand to my cheek. “You, my sweet girl, have the kind of love that others dream of. To know the person, even when you don’t know yourself. It’s up to you if you’re going to nurture it back to life or let it die. Which, let’s all be honest, you never really thought he killed your brother, you were scared.”
* * *
I roll over to my phone glowing in the darkness.
My finger hovers over the button to listen to the voice mail Spencer just left. I know that whatever he says is going to break my heart.
Mom is right. I love him. I love him not for the past but for what he means to me now, which is why I am so goddamn upset that I ran away. I just felt I had no options. I didn’t know what was real, and I still don’t. Other than I love him. I was scared and worried that it wasn’t real and I would lose it.
I look at the ceiling, trying to get the courage to listen.
If he was strong enough to leave it, then I can be brave enough to hear what he has to say.
His rich voice fills the room, and I have to fight back tears.
