Page 93 of Help Me Remember
Charlie smirks. “And I assume that friend had a bit of advice?”
“Ever the spy, Charlie.”
She turns to me. “Yeah, it definitely took a spy to figure that out.”
“Ready?” Spencer asks.
I take his arm, and we walk out to the car without a word.
* * *
The ride home is no more than nine minutes, but it feels like a year because there is this awkward silence in the car. My mind races with the right things to say, but nothing sticks. Charlie is right. I am not okay. I have a large gap of time missing, and I need to remember. I can’t start a relationship, not even if it’s one I have wanted my whole life, while I’m still like this.
Broken.
Damaged.
Scared.
Spencer has had enough of that from women in his life. There is a very real possibility that my memory will return, and I’ll remember the man I may have loved. What then? If I remember how happy I was and want that back, Spencer will have another woman walk out on him.
Then I think of the other guy who may exist, what of him? I don’t know who he is or why he hasn’t tried to find me yet, but for all I know, there’s a really good reason for his absence. How fair would it be to him if I pursued whatever this is with Spencer?
It wouldn’t be fair at all.
The car parks and neither of us move, almost as though we know tonight turned a corner.
I should say something. I want to, but I can’t.
“I don’t know where we go from here.” Spencer’s voice echoes in the quiet.
“I don’t either.”
“I know what I want. I know what I wish for.”
“Wishes and wants don’t mean it’s the right choice, and that’s what matters,” I say, but there’s something about the words that bothers me. As though I’ve heard it. As though . . . I knew it.
Spencer’s eyes meet mine in the darkness. The only light is the moon behind him. “What?”
“What?” I repeat his question.
“What did you just say?”
God, what if I’m quoting him? I start to wonder if I am because it sounds like something he’d say. “I’ve heard it before.”
“When?” The question exits his lips like a bullet, fast and strong.
“I don’t know. I just . . . said it and then had this feeling like I knew it.”
He turns back to the road. “I am trying so hard to do the right thing. The thing we both know we need to do. We can’t keep doing this dance, Brie. I never should have allowed any of it.”
“What dance? Don’t you get it? I don’t even understand what the steps are.”
“That’s the point! I never should’ve let any of it happen. You are . . . and I’m . . . Isaac deserves more. He deserved so much more than what I’m doing now.”
“What are you talking about, Spencer?”
“I never should’ve kissed you. I shouldn’t think about you, dream about you, find reasons to be around you. I never should’ve made you any promises about memories or kissing or dating. Not like this. Not now when you are dealing with all this. Not when I lost my best fucking friend a month ago. Not when I know . . .”
