Page 45 of Help Me Remember
“Life. Family. The idea of having nothing but a job to cling to. You get that,” Holden says with a shrug. “You have taken time off to figure your life out.”
And look where I am. “It wasn’t exactly like that. I basically had no choice. I can’t write, Holden. I have tried to write, what? Forty different stories? I sit there, stare at the screen, waiting for the words that refuse to come. I’ve tried every trick in the book and nothing. I’m not taking time off, I’m fucking blocked.”
Holden sighs through his nose. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not the same, and I know how it feels not to see progress. I’m struggling with the idea of leaving because I hoped Brielle would be a bit further along. The longer this goes, the more I fear it won’t return or it’ll be fragments. Then what, you know?”
“No, I don’t know.”
A long sigh comes from him, and he puts the glass on the coffee table. “If she does remember what happened, the defense is still going to use her memory loss against her. And that’s only if they get a chance to argue a case at all.”
“I think that’s what makes this so much harder to see her go through. Are they still trying to find a link between her office being trashed and the attack?”
“They are, but Emmett is being tight-lipped about it.”
Brielle’s office was ransacked, according to the information I got this morning. Papers were thrown around, her files completely ransacked, and the hard drive from her computer was missing. Her coworkers are trying to figure out what’s missing, but it’s a mess.
“It’s all really fucked up. I’m worried about Brie, Addison, you, Emmett, and everyone here.”
That one part causes me to jerk back. “Why the hell are you worried about me?”
“Besides the fact that you were close with Isaac and came back here mostly for him. Then there’s the whole thing with you and Brielle. You guys need to be careful.”
My palms start to sweat. “About?”
“That you don’t get too close. She’s always had that crush on you and it would be easy for her to form an attachment while she’s vulnerable.”
The fact that he’s even concerned about it gives me hope. I want that. I want her to look at me that way again, and if I can’t have the last year, I want the next one. “What makes you think that?”
“Just something Emmett said.”
I really wish he’d stop having me fish for info. I know Holden well enough that part of him is enjoying this, but it’s making me unduly paranoid that he and Emmett know something they shouldn’t. Asking him what Emmett said would be like throwing myself right into whatever trap he thinks he’s baiting me with, so I let it go. “You and Emmett are always worried about dumb shit.”
“And you are always taking risks.”
I decide to move off the topic of Brielle and point out the obvious.
“To be good at my job, it’s kind of a requirement.”
“Oh, and are you planning to work ever again?”
I run my hand over my face. “I’m trying.”
“Be honest for a second, Spencer, you have always wanted what you think you can’t have. Then, once you get it, because you always do, you tire of it. It’s why you go for these models and actresses. They are a quest. You’ve now peaked in your professional career and it scares you.”
Everything he said is true. I’m fucking terrified. I want to write. I miss the hunt of the story and the thrill of winning a Pulitzer. That’s gone.
And as for the models, he was right, it was why I dated them and also because they were in it for the same thing. When Brielle and I took that step, it was different. She didn’t care about my success. She just loved me.
“You shouldn’t talk. You and Emmett aren’t any better. You both run, I’m just faster.”
“How do I run?”
“When the fuck were you back here last? What about your marriage? What about all the damn things you avoid dealing with, Holden?” I’m livid. I am so out of line, but I don’t give a shit anymore. “You act like I want any of this but I don’t! I was moving in the right direction, doing everything right, and I lost it.”
Holden’s nose flares for a second and then he shakes his head. “I don’t come back here because I see my parents’ deaths when I do. I lost Jenna because I wasn’t man enough to fight for her, I let her go without even thinking twice. I am not saying I’m better, but I also want more for the people in my life.”
“As do I.”
“I look at the life that Isaac had, and I don’t even understand it. He was married, had Elodie, was doing what he loved. He had no extra money and was the happiest of all of us and look at what happened. He didn’t take risks and none of us spent hours worried over what would happen to him. He had what he needed,” Holden says, reaching for his glass.
