Page 48 of A Moment for Us
He gives his brother a mock salute with two fingers and then is gone. “Did you and Alex fight?” I ask, breaking the silence.
“He’s not happy with me.”
“I could see that. Why is he mad?”
Josh looks out at the woods. “It doesn’t matter.”
Okay then.
I sigh deeply, knowing that if I don’t just get this out, then we’re going to be in a whole other world of hell. I am already nervous and on the verge of puking, which is a feeling I might as well get used to. However, this isn’t hormones, this is fear.
Josh goes to open his mouth, and I beat him to it.
“I’m pregnant.”
His head jerks back, eyes wide, and even in the dark, I can see the color drain from his face.
“I just found out a few hours ago. Apparently, the night the condom broke, my birth control also failed because of the migraine medication I took. I wanted to tell you once it was confirmed, and . . . well, it’s confirmed. I’m pregnant, and I don’t need or want anything from you. In fact, we don’t even have to tell people it’s yours if you don’t want.” I wring my hands together and then rest them on my stomach. “I know you . . . don’t want kids. I get it. I do, but I thought I’d have a husband or at least someone who loves me. Silly, I know. But this is the reality, right? We’re having a baby. I’m having a baby, I guess is what I should say. Again, I don’t want anything. Not money or commitment.” I stop my rambling, waiting for him to say something.
Josh takes a few steps toward the chair and then sits. “You’re pregnant?”
“I said that. Yes, I am.”
I also can’t seem to speak without it being a large burst of words or just a few.
“And you didn’t plan this.”
I knew it was coming. I knew, and I prepared for it, and yet, it still feels as though I was slapped. Tears fill my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. Instead, I swallow the hurt and focus on being pissed. “No. I didn’t plan this. I didn’t want this. In fact, I prayed it wasn’t real as it was all happening. Also, how does one plan for the condom to break?”
“I didn’t mean . . .”
“Yes, you did. You meant it because you know I have been in love with you, wanted whatever I could get of you, but I didn’t want this, Josh. I didn’t want a baby that you didn’t want.”
He sighs and then runs his fingers through his thick hair. “I really didn’t mean that, Delia. I don’t think you planned this.”
“I swear, I was just as shocked as you are when I found out. Well, maybe not as much as you since I took about fifteen pregnancy tests over the last few days.”
“Why didn’t you tell me then?” he asks, his voice more concerned than angry.
“I was in denial. I thought—more like hoped—the doctor would confirm the tests were wrong and it was some weird thing that was not, in fact, a baby.”
“But it is.” Josh says it like a statement but it sounds like a question.
“Yes.”
The new reality of our lives shifts into place as we stand here. I’m going to be a mother, and Josh, regardless of his plans or wants, is going to be a father.
When the silence becomes uncomfortable and my anxiety builds, I shift from foot to foot and reiterate, “You don’t have to do anything.”
His head whips quickly to look at me. “What?”
“I just mean that you don’t have to be a part of anything. I know how you feel about kids, and . . . I can do this on my own. Financially and emotionally. Of course, I want you to be. You’re a great man, and I know you’ll be a good dad. It’s your choice, and I won’t force you into anything.”
There. I’ve said my piece. He can be a part of things or not, but I won’t push his choice either way. I have a great support system, and if he doesn’t want to be a father to our child, then so be it. There will be enough uncles and aunts that the baby will never go without love or a male figure in their life.
“I’m not going to abandon you or the baby.” His voice is hard like granite.
“I didn’t say you would. I’m just telling you that I make no demands.”
