Page 136 of A Moment for Us
“What?”
“That had he just talked to me, told me what he was feeling, we could’ve tried. Instead, he closed himself off. He was having nightmares and still wouldn’t open up to me. I would’ve given whatever he needed to get his head straight. I thought the pain of his past was starting to ebb.”
“You think this is about his past?”
I purse my lips, considering that. “I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe this new loss just pushed him over the edge.”
She reaches out and takes my hand. “The Parkersons aren’t exactly known for their exceptional skills in communication. Look at what happened when Grayson found out about his dad and his ex. He lashed out, pushed me away, and I almost died.”
“I’d like that not to be the case here.”
“It’s why I’m at your house to make sure of it,” she says with a soft smile. “My point is that these guys were taught to hide their pain at all costs and never show weakness. They do that by letting it all build up until they break.”
“It’s not an excuse.”
She shakes her head. “No, it’s not. It’s not okay, and it’s not healthy, but it’s the reason behind it. I’m not saying to accept that behavior, but you should know where it’s coming from. I loved the saying that anger is the outward expression of sadness. Dr. Warvel tried to explain to me that I was angry because I was so sad after the plane crash. I just didn’t know how to feel the sadness because it was too much.”
“You think he’s sad?”
She nods. “I think he’s devastated. I think he loved that baby you were going to have every bit as you did. He loves you, and he doesn’t know how to handle that. I think he’s also afraid. Stella told Grayson and I about the girl in New Orleans.”
I jerk my head up at that. “She did?”
“I know she probably wasn’t supposed to, but she had to tell his siblings so they could do whatever to help. My point is that he is still struggling with how he felt about her and that baby’s death and now this. It’s a lot easier to be angry than it is to be sad, but until he deals with that, really deals with it, I don’t know that he’s going to get his shit straight.”
I lean my head on Jess’s shoulder and sigh. “I love him.”
“I know.”
“I think he loves me too.”
“I think he does too.”
“But I can’t watch him fall apart and live in this place where he’s convinced that because he loves me, I’m going to die.”
Jess squeezes my hand. “I know.”
And then the tears come because the reality is . . . I can’t help the man I love and get myself through this right now.
* * *
I upheld my part of the bargain with Josh, not that I felt I owed it to him, but I waited the length of time he asked me to, and today is going to be my first day back to work. I’ve spoken with Ronyelle, who I think is even more strict about what I’m allowed to do than Josh was.
She’s set up my office so I can be comfortable, and everyone on the floor has been made aware that they are to come to me if they need anything. I’m not allowed to get up unless the building is on fire. Even then, I think she assigned people to come carry me from the building.
I head inside, waving to everyone as I pass, and enter my office to find Ronyelle already waiting.
“Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Yes, but you walked a lot.”
My eyes narrow. “I walked from the parking lot. It wasn’t a lot.”
“I don’t like this.”
“Like what?” I ask.
