Page 132 of A Moment for Us
I read it again, unsure of how to process this new turn of events. I am fully aware that grief affects us all differently. The fact that Josh is clearly not handling his is what worries me. The dream and the way he screamed for me over and over as though I were dying made my chest ache. I could hear the panic in his voice, and when he woke, I could see that he was not okay.
I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and he said he was fine.
Yet, for the last week, he has been here, but there has been space between us that I couldn’t push through.
He looks at me, but it’s as though he’s a million miles away and I don’t know what to do.
So, I’m sitting on the couch lost in pain, feeling less alone than I did when he was here.
“Delia?” Someone calls as there’s a knock on the door. “It’s me.”
“Come in, Stella,” I yell back.
She opens the door and comes in with a latte in her hand. “I come bearing gifts.”
“You bring the right ones.”
“After being your friend for this long, I should know at least this much,” Stella says before kissing my cheek and sitting beside me, handing the coffee over.
“Thanks for this.”
“Of course.”
“Did your brother send you to babysit me?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “No, I was coming over to remove him and force him back to work, but then I saw his car was gone. Where is he?”
“Work.”
“Glad I’m here then. The last phone call didn’t go so great.”
I heard it. Josh was yelling at her and his brothers, and even though I was inside and he was out by the tree line, I could hear him.
“He’s struggling.”
“I know, but he’s biting everyone’s heads off, and it’s to the point that even Oliver wants to kick his ass.”
I sigh, dropping my head to the back of the couch. “He isn’t handling this well. I don’t know what to do.”
“Has he said anything?”
Telling Stella feels like a betrayal. Josh doesn’t really talk about his feelings. He offers advice and is there for everyone he loves, but letting others take some of his burden isn’t his strong suit.
I chew on my thumb and decide that I can’t break his trust. “He’s just . . . feeling a lot and not really confiding in me about it.”
“Sounds like him.”
“I’m going to lose him, Stella.” As I say it, my heart clenches and tears form. “I just got him, and now I’m going to have to go back to a life where we’re not together. Each day, it’s like he’s pushing farther and farther away.”
“You know he told me about the girl in New Orleans.”
“He did?”
She nods. “I don’t think he meant to, but once he started, it was like he just couldn’t stop, you know? I was in shock, but how he’s been for the last ten years makes a bit more sense. It’s like he punishes himself for not being able to save her.”
“I know, and now what? He loves me and he loved the twins. Now we’re all going to lose. I can’t take much more. I really can’t. I love him, but this hurts. It is so hard to watch him shut down and act as though he’s really fine.”
“Don’t cry, Deals,” she says as her hand grips mine. I cry a bit, feeling overwhelmed, and then she releases me. “If you lose him because of this, then he never deserved you. Josh is . . . well, I don’t know because he doesn’t let any of us in. However, he can’t use the past as an excuse to hurt his future. The loss you’re both feeling is hard, but if he would lean on you, then you’d get through it.”
