Page 90 of A Moment for Us
His eyes meet mine. “I hated myself. I didn’t want comfort. I still don’t want comfort.”
“Well, too bad,” I say with defiance. He may not want it, but I’m going to give it.
He smiles. “This won’t be easy. It’s been ten years, and I still haven’t forgiven myself.”
I shift so I’m resting against his strong chest. “I don’t expect easy. Nothing is easy. I understand grief. My mother is still dealing with the unexpected loss of my dad. She punishes herself, whether she believes it or not because he had been showing signs of heart problems, but they pushed them aside since he was young. Losing him destroyed the hope of love for her. It doesn’t always make sense, but I think losing someone like that changes you.”
The low sound in his chest says more than the words do. “It does.”
I know this. My father’s death was hard on us all, but my mother took it to another level. She refused to even think about another man and would say her heart died when he did. Thankfully, she loved me as well and fought the despair and then she got cancer.
I can remember times during her chemo when it seemed like she wanted to die. Not because she didn’t want to live but because she missed him so much. It’s just recently that I think she’s truly healing and seeing that it’s finally time to stop mourning him.
While I don’t think it’s the same for Josh, seeing how he says he loves me, I think he still very much needs to deal with the trauma of having to watch Morgan die like that.
“The first step to fixing anything is admitting there’s a problem, right?”
He kisses the top of my head. “You think I can be fixed?”
I lift my head, looking into his gorgeous blue eyes. “Not you, but the way you’re thinking about it all. You need to forgive and allow yourself to be happy.”
His thumb grazes my cheek. “I want to be happy with you.”
“Then we just have to try.”
“There is no one else I would be able to do this for.”
I shake my head, holding his wrist. “No, I don’t want you to do this for me, Josh. I want you to do it for you. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve to have all the things you want. So, don’t do it for me, do it for you so that you and I have a chance.”
He moves toward me at the same time I go to him. The kiss we share is soft, sweet, and tinted with hope that I’m going to hold on to with both hands.
* * *
Josh and I stand outside my mother’s door, our hands clasped together while I gather the courage to go inside. While she and I have the best relationship, there’s a lot of apprehension about telling her that we’re pregnant.
I don’t know if I can ever recall us ever being angry with each other, but she has very firm beliefs on marriage and the order in which children come. So, I’m slightly afraid our first fight is going to be when I tell her that I’m unmarried and pregnant and living in sin.
Yeah, not really excited about this.
We talked every week while she’s been away, but I never found the balls to tell her. It’s probably a conversation best had in person anyway.
Well, if I ever go inside.
“Are we going to stand out here all day?” Josh asks.
“Maybe.”
“Your mother is amazing, Deals. I don’t know why you’re nervous.”
I look up at him and sigh. “We should tell her we’re engaged.”
Josh’s eyes widen, and he sputters. “What?”
“If we do that, then maybe she won’t be upset.”
“Or we don’t do that because we’re not, and we tell her the truth.”
I let out a half laugh. “Oh, yes, that sounds like a brilliant plan. Let’s tell her that I’m unable to keep my legs closed and we were going at it so rough the condom broke.”
