Page 78 of A Moment for Us
I continue as though he didn’t speak. “Third, your body is invaded by other humans who make you hungry all the time while also making you incapable of eating most foods. Fourth, your friends who have had kids tell you every freaking awful story they can think of. I’m not sure what the goal of that is other than to terrify me.”
“What stories?” Josh asks.
I shudder because, really, I don’t think he wants to know. However, I shouldn’t be the only one with these things haunting me, so I will edify him on the upcoming joys. “Things like, peeing your pants all the time. That you’ll have extra skin, like a fucking kangaroo pouch because you’re stretched like Gumby and it is wrinkly after. You get hemorrhoids that don’t always go away after the baby is born. Oh, but the best is how you might shit during birth from pushing.”
Josh’s eyes widen, and he grips the wheel tighter. “Umm . . .”
“Oh, yeah, if that happens, I will die. I’m just warning you. You’ll be a single father of two babies because I will havedied, Joshua.”
“I’ll be sure to make sure no one ever lets you know.”
“That would be wonderful,” I say. “But, fun fact, there are fucking mirrors everywhere so the mother can see the joys of her vag being ripped open as a giant baby exits. Just imagine what I’ll deal with because I’ll get to see it twice. Like instant replay only it won’t be a highlight.”
He bursts out laughing. “Or it’ll be beautiful because it’s our children.”
“Or that . . .” I say, feeling a bit contrite about him having to point that out.
Josh takes my hand. It seemed like such a natural gesture, as if holding my hand as he drives, laughing about our babies coming into the world is somehow—right.
God, I need to see a shrink or have Ronyelle slap me upside the head.
He pulls our entwined hands into the center, resting them on the console. “Today, let’s just forget about the horror stories that you’ve heard and have some fun.”
I nod, not trusting my voice, as he parks the car outside the baby store.
“Deals, you good with that?”
My head turns, looking at his beautiful face, wondering why the hell my stupid heart doesn’t listen to my very smart head.
“Sure. We’ll have fun shopping for the twins.” I smile and force myself to put all my worries away. This is the fun stuff.
We exit the car and head inside. After filling out the registry paperwork, they hand us one scanner gun and tell us to be practical.
Josh places his hand on the small of my back, leading me into the bottles and pacifier section.
When we got here, he was the practical, steadfast, and money conscious guy I’d known most of my life. And then . . . then Mary handed him this electronic that is almost like the gun from Duck Hunt, and the sensible Joshua Parkerson disappeared. Now, I have the lunatic who is on a power trip.
“Josh, we do not need that,” I say as he scans some breast pump thing.
“What if we do? It’s four hundred bucks, and I think my mother should buy it as part of her penance.”
I blink. “You think your mother, who is now impoverished thanks to you and your siblings forcing your dad to come up with millions of dollars to buy out their shares of his company, is going to get us an expensive gift?” I ask, really wondering what universe he’s living in.
“Okay, maybe not her, but someone. Oliver!” he yells and scans something behind him. “Oliver has no kids and money. He can buy us this overpriced thing you may need.”
“Yes,” I say with exasperation. “Ollie is totally the breast-pump-buying guy. Let’s be real, he’s going to get some stupid thing you’re scanning that doesn’t have a purpose. Gimme the gun. You’re cut off.”
He pulls it away as though he’s three. “No. You should have gotten your own. Mary gave it to me.”
“And you’re messing up the process.”
“Don’t rain on my parade, Delia. I’m helping.”
I shake my head quickly, taking it from him. “No, you’re not. You’re registering us for stupid things. We need two car seats, two cribs, two of these swing things.” I scan them before I forget. “And you’ve gone scanner gun crazy.”
He snorts. “You’re just jealous that I’m better at scanning than you.”
“Yes.” I drag the word out, making sure the sarcasm is thick. “That’s exactly it. It has nothing to do with my wanting us to register for stuff we might actually need.”
