Page 54 of A Moment for Us
“I don’t want kids.”
Saying it aloud makes me feel like shit. I hate that I feel that way, but there are many reasons for it. I’ve seen how hard it is, and I’ve had the worst role models.
I don’t want to be anything like my father. I don’t want my kids to grow up feeling like we did—pawns.
Stella grips my arm, resting her head on my shoulder as we walk. “You have always been the brother who never made sense to me.”
“Yeah?”
She nods. “You were thebestbig brother. You always were more like my dad than anything. I didn’t worry when you were home because you made sure that things were good. I remember when I got pregnant with Kinsley and was so afraid you’d be upset with me. Jack was worried about Grayson, but me? It was you I feared disappointing.”
“You would’ve never disappointed me, Stella.”
“I know that now. I’m just saying that you, of all of us, should be a dad. You’ll be a great one.”
She doesn’t know that. “What if I fail him or her?”
Stella’s eyes widen. “How would you fail them?”
“I don’t know. There are a hundred things that can go wrong. I’m not good at this. I’m not like Grayson who altered everything in his life for Amelia. I’m not like you, who gave your daughter up so she could have the best life possible. Even now, you’re sacrificing to make the best decisions for her.”
The words don’t make sense to her, she doesn’t understand me. None of my siblings do. I’ve spent the better part of twelve years being closed off and alone. In New Orleans, no one pried into things or asked why I didn’t want love. It was easy to come up here for short visits where I could pretend.
But now I’m here, and my siblings don’t abide by boundaries.
What worries me more is that I want to tell them the truth, but I’m not ready yet.
“Josh”—Stella squeezes my arm and steps back—“you are that man. Fear is normal when it comes to being a parent. I don’t know that it ever goes away either. I spent every day of the last twelve years worrying and wondering about Kinsley. I would go back and forth about what the right decision was and talk myself in circles. We make mistakes as parents. We stumble along the way, and I think that’s just life. What matters is your intentions.” Stella rests her palm on my cheek. “And you, my dumb, amazing, and closed-off brother, have no malice in your heart.”
Said heart would be slamming against my chest so hard it would bruise if it were actually still in my damn chest. If it hadn’t drowned twelve years ago when I failed someone I loved.
* * *
“Good morning, beautiful,” I say to a very unhappy Delia at six in the morning. I learned my lesson last time and brought two coffees.
“It’s my day off.”
“Then you can go back to sleep.”
She gives me a very hostile stare. “No, no I can’t. Do you know why?”
“Not really.”
“Because you’ll be tearing up the damn floors, which is loud. Do you know how I know that?”
“Not a clue.”
Delia huffs. “Because Mrs. Garner, who is on the other side of the wooded lot, came over to ask if everything was okay. That led to her staying here for an hour, telling me about the break-in down the road. That turned into her opening her police scanner app, which I didn’t know was a thing, and listening to it to be sure she was safe to head home.”
There’s so much to unpack in that tirade but only one thing that really matters. “What break-in?”
She moves her jaw back and forth and then grabs for the coffee, but I sidestep her. “Answer and you can have your coffee. I’ll hire a barista if you want.”
“Oh. I want.”
I shake my head. “What break-in?”
“I don’t know. She said someone had their car broken into a few days ago, and then there was an attempt at the house a few doors down.”
