Page 68 of You Loved Me Once
My thoughts are jumbled.
“Come,” her smile is soft. I do as she asks, making my way to her. Her hand rests on mine and the light in her eyes returns just a little. “My sweet girl, it’s time.”
“I should’ve been here earlier. I should’ve left school and been here.”
She shakes her head and sighs. “You got here,” her words come in soft breaths, “when you could.”
“There has to be something we can do. Talk to another oncologist? Maybe we can...”
“Shhh,” she squeezes my hand. “There’s nothing else to do now. I just want my family here.”
Losing her will destroy me, my father, and my brother.
“You can’t stop fighting, Mom.”
“I can’t keep going, Serenity. I’m tired now.”
I look over and see my father and brother in the doorway. All three of us have tears streaming down our faces. My mother smiles at my dad, and he comes forward. All four of us hold each other in some way, connected around my mom.
Time passes, but none of us care, we just hold my mother’s hands, letting her know that we’re here.
Most of the time it’s quiet, but every now and then someone speaks words of encouragement. My father leaves the room, and Everton and I stand on each side of her. Her breathing is softer, and less frequent. I lean down, press my lips to her cold skin, and whisper, “There was this beautiful woman named Harmony and she met a man named Mick. Mick wasn’t the kind of man she envisioned, he was gruff and rode a Harley. He had tattoos and a beard that hung low off his chin.” I wipe the tears as I recount the story of their life. “Harmony was soft, sweet, and her outward disposition was the opposite of Mick’s, but that was the thing, she saw through to his heart.”
Mom grasps at my hands and Everton’s. And then my brother begins speaking with silent tears. “Mick was all bluster because on the inside, he knew that Harmony was the woman for him.” My brother looks to me with desperation. So I continue.
I tell her about their love and the life they built. How adversity was nothing they couldn’t tackle if they had each other. My heart turns over in my chest as I think about how I felt the same before a voicemail. How I believed my love with Bryce was all I needed, and now it’s gone.
My mother’s chest rises and falls, and I see the struggle. I bring my head back to hers, tears falling, leaving droplets on the pillow beside her, and I know what she needs—permission to stop fighting. “It’s okay, Mom. You can let go, we’ll take care of Daddy.”
She takes two more shallow breaths, and then nothing else comes.
Everton sinks into the chair and I cry quietly, already feeling the loss of the woman who made me who I am.
I vow right now that I will fight cancer and ensure that as few people as possible will ever suffer loss like I just felt.
Chapter 21
Mrs. Whitley is gone. She’s gone and my world feels as though it’s crumbling around me. Bryce, Westin, Allison, my family, my beliefs...they all seem to dissolve around me as I stare at the woman I cared for so deeply.
If I stand here, I’ll break down. I don’t say a word as I rush out of the room, feeling disoriented and confused. Patients die. That is my reality. I’ve spent the greater part of my career keeping them at a distance, but never being cruel. Why did I let her in? Why did I have to lose her today? She should’ve been surrounded by her son and grandchildren. She was a beautiful woman who should’ve been loved by everyone. Cancer once again claimed someone and robbed them.
I’m supposed to be the one who stops it.
I’m the doctor that should’ve saved her. I did everything, and I still failed.
My feet move, but I can’t see anything through the tears.
I failed her.
I failed me.
I failed my mother again.
People move around me, but I don’t pay any attention, too lost in my own world and drifting away. That’s what the last few weeks have felt like. My anchor has broken and I’m lost at sea.
I hear someone laugh and I glance up to see Allison and Bryce huddled together in her room. He’s lying on the bed, arms wrapped around her and she’s staring up at him like he’s the reason she’s on this earth. I don’t know how long I stand here, watching them, but it’s like a movie in front of me.
“You love me?” she asks him.
