Page 49 of You Loved Me Once
She looks at Bryce and then back to me. “Hopeful. I feel like maybe this is going to work and that maybe we can...”
Maybe they can have a baby.
Bryce’s eyes meet mine and I look away, hating myself for even going down that line of thinking.
This is what is wrong with me and why I’ll never be happy. It always comes back to him.
I follow the words on the paper, needing to do what I came in here to do without letting my ridiculous thoughts run away with me. “Well, everything looks great. Your labs are good, scans came back as we hoped, so now we’ll start to administer the medication and monitor you.” I force my gaze to hers. “Do you have any questions?”
She nods. “I know the waiver said that there would be patients who do not receive the trial dosage. Will those patients be made aware of that?”
This is the part that is pure torture for everyone involved, but mostly for me. Knowing that two of my twenty-four patients won’t get the drugs they’re hoping for is absolutely horrible. I’ll still be treating their cancer, but if they get the placebo, they’ll most likely need a hysterectomy by month two.
“No, as the trial paperwork stated, this is a placebo trial, meaning no one will know who has the drug and who has the placebo.” If a patient knew they were on the placebo, they’d drop out, which means it has to be a blind trial. “However, we will still be treating the cancer with traditional chemotherapy to show the difference,” I explain.
“So she could still need a hysterectomy?” Bryce asks.
“Yes,” I say while I nod, doing my best not to look at Allison and answer as though I don’t already know about the letter she gave me with her demands. “That’s correct, but I will be following the size of your tumor very closely. The rules state that I can’t do anything until the end of the trial, which is when I won’t hesitate to do the surgery.” I look into Allison’s tear-filled eyes.
I stare at her, begging her with all that’s in me to understand the consequences of her actions. “I know it’s scary, but I’ve treated this type of cancer for a long time, and as much as this trial is important, you’re more important. I won’t hesitate to alert you if the tumor grows to the point that the trial is no longer relevant. We can decide then.”
I can pretend to empathize with what she must be feeling, but I can’t, really. There’s a science behind medicine that takes out the human emotion. I work hard not to lose sight of that in dealing with my patients.
All I can do is pray that if it really does become a life or death situation, she’ll choose life.
“I don’t like this,” Bryce says. “I don’t understand how it’s fair. So you get to decide who gets the combo and who doesn’t?” There’s an edge to his voice I don’t appreciate.
This is exactly what I worried about.
If each patient received the same dosage, we’d never have a clear picture of how this combination works. I need to see comparisons of the same women receiving different drugs to make an accurate conclusion. Especially if we want this to be a viable option for other women across the world.
“Peyton,” Allison tries to calm him.
“No, this is completely ridiculous. We can go back to North Carolina and get the same treatment that we know will work.”
“Allison,” I pipe in, but get cut off again.
“You only care about your trial,Doctor,” he sneers. “I care about my wife.”
“I care about your wife as well, Mr. Peyton,” I say quickly. This could go off the rails very quickly if I don’t get control of this situation. “I don’t get to pick who gets what medication. It was done by a lottery that assigned each patient. It’s the only way to keep things fair and balanced,” I keep my tone even.
Until I open the sealed envelope, I won’t know which patients get the placebo. The worst part is that I’ll have to keep my reactions hidden so I don’t tip off a patient.
“This is bullshit, baby.” Bryce pushes Allison’s hair back and presses his lips to her temple. “We can get the surgery and adopt, or have a surrogate. I don’t want to play these games with your life. We can go home. We can have everything we wanted, Ali. It doesn’t have to be like this. I love you.”
My heart aches at the mention of their future. I want to be able to look at him without the wonder of what could’ve been.
More than that, why the hell do he and Allison make a difference in my life? They don’t. I made my choice years ago when I let us go. I didn’t go after him, beg him to take me back, and he didn’t come after me either. We drifted apart, both caught up in our new lives and new priorities.
Yes, I would’ve married him if we’d stayed together, but we didn’t, and he married someone else.
Westin is a good man who cares about me more than I deserve. This is the closure I need. Right here, Bryce has moved on and so have I.
“You can definitely do that,” I break up their moment. “However, there’s a chance that you could avoid the surgery that will strip you of the option to have children, which is what I believe brought you here.” I hate to be underhanded, but if Allison walks, then all the other patients will suffer as well. “If you want to do that, my suggestion would be for me to do your surgery today so that you have the best options for fighting the cancer. I can get you in...” I look down at the clipboard as though I have a schedule there. “...in the next hour?”
“Good,” Bryce responds.
Allison turns her head to Bryce and I see a tear roll down her cheek. “That’s not what I want, Peyton! Even if I don’t get the medication, I won’t go down that road. I want the chance. I want to carry our baby inside of me, and if I weren’t here right now, there would be no options. Please don’t take that away from me.”
