Page 37 of You Loved Me Once
My father and I used to spend hours in this shop. So much that he had to get me my own set of tools because I was working so much. In here I let myself just be, no thoughts of ex- boyfriends, no pain and suffering, only my dad and me.
We dive headfirst into the alternator that’s busted, arguing about what we believe the problem is. Fixing cars is much different from being a doctor. It’s mechanics so there’s no guessing. I can take apart an engine and know that it’ll go back the same way. It’s mind-numbing, but it feels good to just zone out that way.
Once the car is running again, I clean up a little, feeling much more at peace.
I lean my hip against the front end, pull my phone out, and sigh. Three missed calls from the hospital. I listen to the voicemails, thankful it’s nothing life-threatening. However, I need to get back to the city.
“You leaving?” Dad asks as I put my phone in my back pocket.
“Yeah, I need to get back.” I look down at my ruined clothes. “And shower. However, I’m calling a housekeeper tonight and you’re going to let them clean the house.”
He opens his mouth but I lift my hand to stop him.
“And, you’re going to tell Everton if he smokes in the house again, I’m going to beat the shit out of him. No more, Dad. I’m serious. You can’t breathe that in.” I point at his chest. “Years of dirt, exhaust, and all the other crap has done a number on your lungs. If Ev wants to kill himself, that’s on him. There’s also food coming, and you need to eat it, which means no junk food! Open some windows too, you need fresh air. Oh, and you need to take your pills. There’s a reason the doctor is prescribing them.”
“Okay, fine,” he acquiesces.
The changing roles of adulthood are impossible to grasp. This would’ve been a lecture I heard as a teenager. Don’t smoke, don’t let others influence your life, clean up, eat right...and now I’m the one telling him.
“You’re not just agreeing so I’ll let it drop?”
“Go back to the city and save people,” he chuckles as he guides me toward my car.
“I worry about you,” I say as I get to the door.
Now, even more than I did before. I’m going to have to find a way to be around more. I need to be there for my dad. My brother also needs a kick in the ass.
“You don’t need to worry, Ren. I’m fine.”
The house was not fine, none of this is, but I also see the finality in his eyes. He’s done talking, so now I need to make my plans and hope he follows them.
As I open my door, I can feel the turmoil coming from him. He may be done with listening to me, but Daddy isn’t done talking.
“I gotta say this to you,” he coughs. I knew he couldn’t keep it in. “I loved you the moment I saw you. I wanted a boy so much, but the second you came out, I felt it. Your mother felt it.”
“Felt what?”
“Peace.”
He’s never hidden the fact that when I entered his world, I changed it. He used to say that having children is when you realize nothing you knew in life was true. My brother and I altered him to his core, we made him more.
I always wanted to know what that was like, until I didn’t have someone I wanted to share it with anymore.
“You have this power inside you that you don’t see. You save people. You repair them. You helped me. My point is this.” He lets out a heavy breath. “Don’t ever allow someone else the power to break you. The man you love, the one you share your heart with, should always treat it with care. He shouldn’t forsake it.”
“Daddy,” I start, but his hand raises, stopping me.
“No, listen to this if you hear nothing else I’ve said.” He releases a deep breath. “There are different kinds of love. The kind that saves you and the kind that breaks you. Bryce wasn’t the saving kind. He stole a part of you and you’ve never gotten it back.”
My father made his mind up about Bryce a long time ago. No matter how many times I told him he was wrong, it didn’t matter. I was his baby, and someone hurt me. Fathers are supposed to protect their little girls, and he couldn’t mend my broken heart, no matter how he tried.
I never told him the full story about why I left, partially because I knew he’d tell me I was a fool.
We all were.
I came home for him and my mother, even though they told me not to.
I also lied about not getting into Penn State...
