Page 12 of You Loved Me Once
“Do us both a favor and forget that Everton exists. Please?” I tilt my head and jut out my lip.
“Whatever, let’s talk about Doctor Sexyass.” She grins as she fans herself with the file in her hand. “How is he?”
I roll my eyes, resting my arm on the table. “If he makes chief, are you going to call him Chief Sexyass?”
“Oh, no, he’ll be Sir Sexyass. So much hotter, don’t you think?”
She’s ridiculous. “He would love this. Please don’t ever let him hear that people call him this.”
Julie continues on like I didn’t speak. “I’d love to strip him down and do rude things to that man.”
“You’d definitely enjoy it. I’ll be sure to let him know you’re interested. We didn’t make plans for tonight if you’d like a go with Wes,” I say jokingly.
“I don’t get you.” She drops the folder. “Are you stupid? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you, Serenity?”
Okay, that escalated quickly and in an odd way. I don’t know what she’s suddenly pissed off about. “What did I do now?”
Julie gets out of her chair and throws her hands up. “It’s what you don’t do.”
“Which is?”
“Get jealous!” Jules yells. “You’ve been screwing his brains out for two years now and you never care when people talk about him. Hell, you actually pimped him out. It doesn’t make sense. It’s literally the stupidest thing ever. How could you be so uncaring, because that’s not who you are. He’s a great guy!”
I shrug. It’s what it is. What does getting jealous do? Nothing. It’s a pointless emotion that will only leave me feeling bad about myself. I’m not exclusive to Westin, so if he wants to date someone else, I have no right to stop him.
“We’re both aware of what we are. I’m exactly that person. I care about Westin, but he’s not mine.”
Jules huffs in frustration. “So you wouldn’t care if I walked up to him right now and stuck my tongue down his throat?”
I ponder it for a second. There’s a tiny tug in my stomach thinking of him with someone else, but I don’t trust that it’s because of anything related to the grand idea of love. The whole idea that love makes you stronger is the biggest line of bullshit I’ve ever heard. There’s nothing strong about love. My father loved my mother with his whole heart and when she died, he died with her. I loved Bryce, only to be left behind. I’d rather never feel those emotions again. I’d rather heal people, make things better and erase the damage life can cause instead of inviting it in.
But what if I did lose Wes? What if my life was no longer filled with those nights together? I’ve never thought about it because we just...are. Screw Julie for making me think this way.
Julie clears her throat, bringing me back. “Well?”
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t be jealous, exactly. I want to think if it made him happy, then I’d be okay with it.”
“You’re going to regret this one day, my friend. He’s going to get tired of waiting for your frozen heart to thaw and find a warm body who wants it all. It’ll be sad because you’ll wake up, wondering why you didn’t see how perfect he is for you.”
Sometimes I wish for that. Not because I want to lose him. I do care about Westin. He’s a wonderful man and he’s been there for me in so many ways.
He’s been the constant in my crazy life, and I don’t want to watch him walk away, but I know he wants the happily ever after. I don’t want to rob him of the life he desires and I’m not selfish enough to keep him if he can find love elsewhere.
One thing she said keeps reverberating inside my head, though.
“Jules?” I call her name with hesitation.
Her face shifts from irritation to concern at the tone of my voice.
Julie is the kindest person there is, which is why she wanted to avoid patients. To see someone hurting, sad, fearful, or experiencing any extreme emotion sends her spiraling. She could never tell family members bad news—she’d lose her mind. Despite that, when Julie saw me at the bottom of the barrel, she wrapped her arms around my waist and kept me upright.
I owe her everything. I don’t know if I would still be functioning if it weren’t for her.
“Ren?”
“Do you really think I have a frozen heart?”
The idea that people who actually know me see me that way hurts deep in my soul. I feel so much more than anyone might guess. I’ve learned to hide it well. Patients deserve my focus, not my worry about stupid things I can’t change. Being part robot is par for the course, but Jules has also witnessed me on the floor, unable to get up.
