Page 107 of You Loved Me Once
“I would agree,” Dr. Pascoe says. “Does the board have any further questions?”
Everyone’s head shakes and then they start to get out of their seats.
In all of my imagined versions of how this would go, never in a million years was this it. I could never have hoped I would still be a doctor here or that Westin would defend me. I’m not sure how to process it.
A part of me wanted to be punished. Punished much more severely than the consequences I’m looking at now.
The guilt was all-consuming, and now there’s a new wave of it.
I stand here, as they file out. Dr. Pascoe walks over. He smiles, touches my shoulder, and squeezes. “This hospital needs you. I think maybe you should take a few weeks and allow Dr. Ney to work on the trial in your absence, okay?”
I’ve never known him to advise doctors to take time off. “Okay?”
His hand drops and he sighs. “When my top doctor needs to take days off after a patient loss, it’s something deeper. Take the time, Serenity. Recharge and then come back to work. The two weeks wasn’t because of the patient, but for you.”
Westin walks over and shakes Dr. Pascoe’s hand. “I’ll be by your office in a few minutes. I just need to handle something,” he explains.
They share a look and Dr. Pascoe nods and leaves.
“Hi,” Wes says after the room is cleared.
I don’t want to exchange pleasantries. I want to know what the hell is wrong with him. “Why?” is all I’m able to get out.
He moves in front of me, resting against the table. “I’m not a hundred percent sure I know why. When you started to go down that route, I couldn’t let you. Everything inside of me was screaming to stop you.”
“It wasn’t supposed to happen that way.”
“Which is why it didn’t,” he says.
Westin is no longer the controlled man from the boardroom. I can see that he’s grappling with what just happened.
“I wish you hadn’t.” I look down at the floor. “I was willing to take the fall and deal with the choice I made.”
His finger tucks under my chin and he lifts it so we’re eye to eye. “I couldn’t watch you destroy yourself any more than you already have. Her death wasn’t caused by you changing the medications. Her heart was weak, and she died. It was tragic, but you’re not a bad person, Serenity. You just did a dumb thing. If you didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, that would be one thing, but you know you fucked up, and you were going to lose it all to save your colleagues.”
I step back and shake my head. “No, I was just making sure I paid for what I did.”
“Let someone else save you for once.” He moves closer.
My eyes meet his with my heart racing. “You can’t say things like that,” I warn him.
“Why not?”
For so many reasons. My emotions are all over the place and I can’t seem to stop myself from saying them. Westin is—was—my safe place. He’s the person I wanted to be able to say anything to, and now it comes out too easily.
“Because you don’t love me. Because people don’t save me, it’s never been that way. Because it will make getting over you harder.”
Westin’s eyes close and he runs his hands through his hair. “I’m telling you to let someone take care of you, love you, and protect you for a change.”
“And are you going to be that person, Wes?”
We both know he won’t. He made it clear that we’re done, and I don’t blame him. He did what he did to save me, but on a strictly professional level.
He moves another step closer, and I tilt my head to look into his eyes, needing to see confirmation that he means what he says. “If you’ll let me, I want to be.”
“But,” I start to say and move away. I can’t think like this and all I want to do is believe this is real, but I’m afraid. “You said all those things, but how can you possibly feel that way? I screwed up so bad, I hurt you, lied to you, and now you, what, forgive me?”
I don’t know why I’m trying to talk him out of this, but I don’t want to feel this way ever again. Loving Westin was a leap I wasn’t entirely prepared for and then to fall without a net damn near broke me.
