Page 89 of You Loved Me Once
“He does,” I tell her.
“I know that now. The first few days you two saw each other, I was worried, but when I got to know you, I saw that I was being silly. I realize that what you two shared is different, no less beautiful, but just different. You both let each other go to save the other.”
“Why are you telling me this now?” I ask.
She smiles softly. “Because I need you to promise me that if something happens,” she starts, but I cut her off.
“Don’t say the next words, Allison. Please don’t put that out in the universe.”
Her lips close, but her eyes tell me the rest. For just a moment, the doctor/patient relationship is gone. Allison is just a woman, and so am I. She’s pleading for me to care for something she loves. She needs this peace of mind in order to get through the surgery.
I don’t reply verbally, she doesn’t need to hear it.
“Thank you,” she says and turns her head to the side.
I call everyone back in, and go scrub up again, all the while thinking of the way she begged me with her eyes.
When I get back in the room, everyone is ready and I get in position. “Okay, Allison, we’re going to put you to sleep now,” I say.
“Okay,” she replies with a tear falling down her cheek.
The anesthesia gets turned on, but her eyes are locked on mine. “Until my last breath,” she says and then drifts off to sleep.
I take a few seconds, trying to forget the words that make my chest tight. With my eyes closed, I inhale, thinking of the strategic moves I need to make surgically. If I can focus, then it won’t feel like the scalpel opened me up.
Two more deep breaths and I’m done being Serenity and back into my doctor persona. All my emotions are shut down, and I no longer care about anything but surgery.
“Ready, Dr. Adams?” Martina asks.
“Yes. Scalpel,” I say with my hand out.
It’s been an hour, and so far, the surgery has gone flawlessly. I found the bleed easily and was able to stop it, along with getting a good look at her tumor. Scans are one thing, but when you’re actually in there, it can be a whole other world. Things are never as they seem, but thankfully, it’s nothing that will hinder her progress. The music is playing in the operating room, and I’m in the zone.
Everything looks good. “Okay, let’s close her up,” I instruct my staff.
I move one of her organs, to ensure the bleed is in fact stopped, which it has. We begin to close her, when suddenly the alarms fill the room.
“Pressure is dropping. She’s crashing.”
My body’s natural fight or flight instinct kicks in, but I can’t allow it. Her heart rate is plummeting. “Push some epi,” I instruct. “Start compressions.”
Fear tries to take over. My muscles are tense as Allison’s line continues to stay flat. I need to fix this. I need to stay calm, but my heart is racing, knowing that time isn’t on my side.
I move everything back, and the nurse starts CPR so I can close her up. I work quickly, knowing that every second counts. Once I’m done, the people in the room can almost read my mind. They gather the equipment we need to get her heart pumping again. I’m losing her.
I grab the crash cart. “Charge to three-sixty. Clear!” I yell and everyone steps back.
The shock jolts through her, and I watch the screen.
Please come back, please come back. Come on, Allison. Wake up.
Nothing. Her heart is still not responding.
You’re not going anywhere. Not on my watch. I won’t tell your husband you died.
“Charge again,” I command.
Pure determination is all I’m running on. Allison will not die today. I told Bryce it was routine and I can’t face him. She was healthy, this is just a tougher case. I’ve handled tough before, goddammit.
