Page 73 of You Loved Me Once
I shouldn’t be allowed to save anyone when I can’t even save myself. “I’d rather not talk about it.” Honestly, it’s making me nervous to think about anything that happened yesterday.
“I understand,” Martina says. “So, things are going well with you and Dr. Grant?”
Another topic I’d rather avoid. No doubt Julie and Martina have been gossiping. They’re roommates and they don’t believe in secrets.
“They are.” I nudge her. “He’s a good guy.”
“Finally!” she giggles.
“Dr. Adams,” Dr. Pascoe calls my name as he enters the scrub room. “Can I have a minute?”
“I’ll just go check on the OR and make sure it’s cleaned up,” Martina says looking between us and then hurries out with an apologetic smile.
Panic fills my stomach as the door closes. The air is sucked out of the room while he stands there in silence. This can’t be good. He knows something or maybe someone saw me last night. I wasn’t thinking clearly and probably fucked something up.
“How are you?” he asks.
Ready to shit myself. “I’m fine. You?”
Keep it cool, Ren. Just breathe and act normal.
“I’m doing well. Is the trial going well?”
“So far,” I almost choke on the lie. I need to do better than this. “How’s Monica?”
“Good, she’s doing good. I wanted to talk to you because I have it on good authority that the current chief of surgery will be stepping down in the next month. Do you think you’ll put in for it?”
If I could let out a huge sigh, I would. The tension in my body loosens as I realize this has nothing to do with yesterday.
“I don’t think so. I really haven’t thought about it.” Which is partially true. I had wanted the position years ago. It was what I was working toward, until I realized I’d never get to work on patients other than when I pushed my way into the operating room. There’s also an insane amount of paperwork, politics, and listening to doctors bitch, and I’d rather avoid that.
“Really? I figured you would be one of the top candidates.”
“Maybe a few months ago I would’ve been,” I explain. Now, though, I don’t deserve it. “I think there are others who would thrive in that position. I really like being with patients.”
He smiles. “I can see that. It definitely is a game changer in regard to practicing medicine. Well, I wanted to see your interest level before I recommended you.”
That throws me back. “Recommended me?”
Dr. Pascoe nods with a grin. “I think you’d make a great chief.”
Another wave of guilt hits me. If he ever finds out, he’ll be disappointed in the choice I made. While I know it was a grave mistake, it was in the best interest of my patient. Allison and Bryce didn’t need to have that drug withheld because of a technicality.
If I had never lost Lindsay from the trial, Allison would’ve gotten the drug, but since she was cut, the folder with the placebo fell to Allison in the lotto.
At least that’s the load of bullshit I’m feeding myself.
“I’m sure there are more qualified people. I think Dr. Grant would be an excellent choice, but I appreciate you thinking of me,” I smile. It does mean a lot that he thought enough of me to consider my name.
He nods and then claps his hands, making a loud boom. “Well, I better get back to my stacks of paperwork.”
“Sounds fun. Please tell Monica I said hello.”
Now, to follow up on my other trial patients. They should’ve received their next dose, Allison receiving the new vial with the mixture she didn’t get yesterday.
I decide to check on her first. Maybe if I get it over with, I won’t feel so off balance. I grab my files and head in.
“Good morning,” I say as I enter.
