Page 71 of You Loved Me Once
“What do you mean?”
I look at him, wanting to say everything and nothing at the same time. “My mom. It was like...just...I-I’m a doctor. I should be used to this. I d-don’t know why I’m crying.”
Westin doesn’t say a word, he just pulls me to his chest. I wrap my arms around him, holding on because he’s the only thing I know is safe right now. “You loved her,” he says as he rubs his fingers in my hair. “That’s why you’re crying.”
The sounds that fill the air terrify me. I cry for the patients I’ve lost, for my father, my mother, the mess that is my life, for Bryce and his wife, and for a woman I never should’ve allowed myself to get so close to. There’s no stopping the tears, I have no control over my body in this moment. “I’m so weak,” I admit.
“No, baby. You’re not weak, you’re human and have a lot of shit going on. Mrs. Whitley was a wonderful woman.”
I nod. “She was like my mother in so many ways.” I turn my head to look at him through the tears.
“Yeah?”
“She met her husband when she was a young girl, like my parents. They struggled to make ends meet, but it never broke them.”
He wipes a tear falling down my face. “You’ve never told me about your family.”
How could Westin be so important in my daily life but know nothing about me? Oh, because I wouldn’t let him in. I’ve fought against feeling more than friendship because of fear.
“They were hippies who smoked a lot of pot,” I sigh. “A lot. They loved each other more than anything else in the world. We grew up poor, but Everton and I had no idea because we wanted for nothing. Mom had ovarian cancer and her clinical trial helped, but not enough. There are so many things I didn’t know that I would’ve done differently if I was her doctor.”
His lips turn up into a sad smile. “You couldn’t save her, Ren. I see the look in your eyes, it’s the same one I had when my brother died. It’s not your fault, and you can’t save everyone.”
Six years ago, Westin’s brother was in a horrible accident, one that left Westin watching another neurosurgeon operating on him, but he was too far gone. We were both interns at the time and I’ll never forget the way he looked that day.
“Isn’t that my job?” I ask with so much pain in my voice even I can hear it. “Our job is to save everyone! I didn’t save Mrs. Whitley!”
He sits up, pulling me with him. “You’re not God. You can’t save everyone and you’d be a fool to think you can.”
“Then I’m a fucking fool!” I scream. “We’re supposed to do more.”
He takes my face in his hands, holding me so we’re nose to nose. “Do you not think you did enough? Seriously? You were there for her when her son wasn’t. You made her smile, laugh, and gave her hope. Fuck, Ren, you did more for her than most doctors would. You never gave up on her. You care more about your patients than anyone I know. You don’t see it, do you?”
I shake my head.
“You’re an exceptional doctor because your patients become a part of you. Watching you, and the way you treat your patients, has made me a better doctor. You give them everything.”
My body is trembling, but Westin holds on tight. He has no idea what I’ve given, and it could just take everything I’ve worked for. Westin is a far better doctor than me.
“So do you,” I say as tears fall. I think about the man he is, the man who learned to flash mob just for his patient. The doctor who is so broken down at the end of the day, but gets up ready to fight the next.
“Which is what makes me drawn to you. I see you, all of you, and I know that you struggle, but I’m here. I’ve been here for two years whether you wanted me or not.”
I’m such a mess. I look into his beautiful green eyes, wishing he could repair all that I’ve done. The wrongs that need to be righted. But I know he can’t. If only I had just been a little stronger and trusted in him before I went stupid and lost my mind...but I didn’t.
I realize how many moments we’ve lost because I was too afraid he might leave me.
“I’m so sorry, Westin,” my lip trembles.
“For what?” he asks as he moves my hair back.
I’m sorry for much more than I can admit to. I hate that I’m seeking comfort from the man I just betrayed. He sees the good in me, but will he still want the ugly?
“I...was so...stupid,” I start to confess. I need to be honest with him. Give him the truth so he can tell me what to do.
“Serenity, if this is about before, I don’t need to know. Just don’t get involved with a patient’s husband.”
“No,” I cut him off. “It’s not like that. I swear, it’s not like that at all, nothing even close to what you’re insinuating. You’re the only man I care about in that way.”
