Page 63 of You Loved Me Once

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“I’m on my way!”

I hang up the phone, already halfway down the stairs, and once I get in the car, I push my hair back and release a few breaths.I can do this.

For my mother, I will keep it together.

The drive to my childhood home from Chicago seems to take forever. The entire way there, I tell myself I’ll be strong. I bargain with God, asking for just a little more time. “I’ll study harder,” I say as I grip the wheel. “I’ll be a better daughter, sister, and I’ll save lives. Please, just don’t take her yet. I’m not ready.”

I believe that He will grant me this. I have to have faith.

As I drive, my phone pings with a voicemail and I push play.

“Chick, it’s me, look ...things are...strained, and I think maybe we should just take some time and think about why that is. I still love you, but this is much harder than I thought. I don’t know, I’m just feeling lonely and you’re busy,” Bryce’s voice is detached and my throat feels tight. “I’m not saying we break up, I’m saying we take a break and see where we’re at in a month. I’m sorry, babe, I really am.”

I throw the phone in the car and bang my head on the steering wheel. That’s how he breaks up with me? Tonight? On a voicemail?

No, I can’t do this. Tomorrow, once I have my mother all squared away, I’ll figure this all out, but right now, I can’t deal.

Chapter 18

“Ialready told you that I’m doing everything I can for Allison.”

“Are you punishing me? Is this because of the way things ended, now you want to make her suffer?”

Another tear falls down my cheek. “You think so little of me?”

Bryce breathes heavily out of his nose, not even able to look at me. “I just know what’s happening now isn’t her fault. I’m sorry for how things went. I was fucked up and alone. I missed you so much I couldn’t breathe. My life was falling apart without you in it. I did the only thing I thought I could...let you go.”

My heart is broken for the kids we were at that time. Sure, we were in our twenties, but in no way ready to make decisions that would affect the rest of our lives. “I’ve tried so hard to forget the way you made me feel. I was finally getting there, and then you showed up.”

“You weren’t the only one who has struggled, Ren. I loved you so deeply, I never thought I could love again,” he admits. “When I left that voicemail, I fucking lost it. I hated myself, and no woman compared to you.”

“Until Allison,” I finish the statement. “I can’t go backward anymore, Bryce. We need to move on, let go of the past. It’s going to destroy us both.”

He takes a step back, gripping the back of his neck. “I gave you up to save you, not destroy you.”

But destruction was all that came from that night. “My mom died the night you left that voicemail.” His eyes lift to mine. “I listened to it on the way to her, hearing you say you needed time or whatever it was...but I lost everything. I have been trying to find a way back to solid ground since then. Her loss was horrific, but losing you...I don’t even know how to describe what I felt at that.”

“I thought I was doing right by you,” he admits, “I knew you were broken up about splitting your time, so I thought if I took myself out of the equation, we’d find our way back to each other. Instead, two weeks later, I got a fucking box with my grandmother’s ring in it. No note. No call. Nothing. And I hated you for it, Ren. I swore I’d forget you because remembering, well, it hurt too damn much.”

“You have no idea what hurt felt like.”

He takes a step closer. “I’m hurting now. I’m watching my wife lose everything and you’re the only one who can stop it. Do you understand how hard it is to ask you to do this? How hurting you—again—is killing me? I’m the one who is watching the woman I love drown in cancer and the woman who is half of my fucking soul is with another man and holds the power over it all. I know I’m asking a lot, butplease, give her the drug.”

I turn and look at him as though he’s lost his mind. “You can’t ask me to do this, Bryce.”

“I know what I’m asking.”

“No,” I cut him off. “I don’t think you have a clue what you’re asking me to do.”

“It’s you who gets to decide our fate. I can’t...I can’t lose another woman because I wasn’t able to give her what she needed.” Bryce’s eyes bore into mine. I see the pain and fear there. “I love her.”

My heart races because a part of me wonders if I should help him, but I know it’s wrong. It’s against everything I took an oath to do.

“And I love you.” I regret the words the minute they leave my lips, but I can’t take them back. Right or wrong, I’ve loved him for close to seventeen years. I know he’s married. I know I have a future with Westin. These things won’t change, but neither will the fact that I will always love him. “You were my first love and that will never change. I love you because I can’t unlove you. You’re a part of who I am, and for that, you will always be in my heart, but what you’re asking me...”

Bryce’s jaw clenches and he closes his eyes. “You have no idea how much I loved you, Serenity. None. My love for you was dangerous. I learned from that...”

“Did you? Because what you’re asking me to do is not okay. It’s selfish and destructive.”