Page 19 of You Loved Me Once
I take her ice-cold hand in mine and cover it with my other one. “I’m going to get you something for the pain, but first I need to evaluate you and get you checked in for the trial. Okay?”
She nods. “It’s really bad today. I had my last chemo treatment two weeks ago and it’s lingering.”
“I’m sorry. Let’s get through your history quickly and then we’ll go from there.” Her chart states that she lives in North Carolina, which is where I went to college before I left to come to Chicago for med school.Another thing that is a little too close for comfort.“Your trial questionnaire says you were a very successful lawyer and being considered for a judgeship?”
“Until cancer kicked me in the face,” Allison releases a sarcastic laugh. “My husband, Peyton, and I had a lot of plans until my diagnosis four years ago.”
“I see this is your second occurrence?”
“Yes, I beat breast cancer once only to have ovarian cancer. Lucky me, right? I get through it all, with the hopes of still having kids, and then this . . .”
“I see. Were you able to harvest your eggs before that treatment?”
She nods. “Yes.”
Good. That’s at least one hurdle down.
I take her hand in mine. “We’ll do everything we can to beat it again.”
We continue through the questionnaire and I realize this woman could be me in so many ways. We’re both very driven women who have flourishing careers. Allison married young, but they agreed to hold off on children until they were settled in their careers, and then cancer came back again, making that possibility even slimmer.
“Peyton drove me nuts, making me wait to have kids. I wanted a baby so bad.” A tear falls down her face. “Now, though, I wish we hadn’t waited. I could’ve had the baby and then . . . then I could just fight the cancer.”
I’ve learned there are no words to rebuke that. She has her reality, and my job requires I understand her needs.
She brushes the tears away and clears her throat.
I give her a second to collect herself as I get to my feet.
“I’m sorry,” she tries to smile. “Some days I’m really bad at keeping it together.”
“Don’t apologize,” I reassure her. “You don’t have to keep it together with me. I’ll handle that, okay?”
I like Allison and pray that this drug does what I want it to for her. I can’t explain it, but I feel an instant bond with her.
“You’re not what I pictured.”
“Yeah? What did you expect?”
The more she talks, the less her discomfort shows. “I don’t know, but your profile on the website doesn’t have any photos or even much about you at all, just your accomplishments.”
I smile at that. “It’s by design. As a woman, I often find that it’s difficult for those in the medical field to look at my resume instead of judging me by my photo.”
“I get that.”
“I thought you might,” I reply. “Okay, everything looks good and I’ll order something for the pain.”
“Thanks, Dr. Adams.”
“Don’t mention it. I would like to go over the trial information if that’s okay?”
She nods. “Please.”
I give her the details, and then I get to the part I hate but can’t leave out. “This trial is still in the early phases, and there is a great chance that you will still end up needing to have a hysterectomy. The chemotherapy mix may not shrink the tumor, and the other possible side effects may restrict your treatment options. You may also end up receiving the placebo, which then would guarantee that we would proceed with a hysterectomy. Do you understand?”
Allison squares her shoulders and then grimaces in a bit of pain. “I need to say this, and since you’re my doctor, it cannot be repeated, right?”
“Of course, anything we say is between us.”
