Page 18 of You Loved Me Once
“Hi, Tammi,” he smiles.
Stop looking at him, you stupid hussy.
Wait. Is that . . . jealousy?
No. It couldn’t be. I’m not a jealous girl, especially when it comes to my non-relationship-relationship.
“I’ll see you tonight?” Westin grips my elbow.
I nod, snapping back to reality. “Yes.”
“I have two surgeries today. What time do you think you’ll be done?”
“With the trial starting, I have no idea. I can’t screw this up, you know?”
I say this carefully, aware of his own trial experiences and afraid to poke a wound. I don’t know how he was able to pick himself up and continue on after losing six patients in his trial last year. I’m not sure I would survive that kind of blow.
“You’ll do great, Ren. You always do. There’s a reason you’re the most sought out oncologist.” He pushes my hair back and his voice is low. “People look at you and feel a sense of . . . serenity. You give them that because of what’s inside your heart. You let them see how much you care, you give them that comfort because they need it as much as you need to give it.”
My heart races and I realize Jules was right. Westin is a catch and I shouldn’t forget the line of women waiting for their chance at more with him. But can I give more when I feel like I’m already at my threshold? Am I capable of putting myself out there to love again?
I’ve been holding onto my past for far too long, and it’s time to move on. I haven’t wanted to ever hurt like that again. I’ve learned how to be alone. It’s been so many years since I’ve allowed anyone inside my heart.
It would be unfair to Wes if I were to offer more and then pull it back. Looking at him, though, I know that if anyone will be careful with me, it’s him. Westin has been there, and I trust him.
I rest my hand on his arm and smile. “You’re too good for me, but at least I know it. I’m . . . excited about our dinner. I’m excited about—”
My hospital phone goes off and I thank God for the interruption. I was about to say more, way more than I’m probably ready to say. We’ve taken things so slow, and I think that’s why we work. He’s patient with me, and I’m cautious about giving my heart away. Moving forward with him is exciting, but I want to make sure I don’t hurt him either.
“Dr. Adams,” I say into the phone.
“The trial patient that checked in early, she’s really uncomfortable, and we need you to decide what she’s allowed for pain management.”
“I’ll be right there.”
Westin puts his hand up before I can say a word. “Go. I’ll see you tonight.”
I start down the hall and call out to him as I continue moving. “Thank you . . . for everything.”
* * *
“Should we admit her as patient one?” Martina asks.
“Not yet,” I fight back a smile. “Let’s admit them the way we set it up. For now just put her as a trial patient without a number.” This is really happening. “But let’s get them set for their stay since tomorrow starts the next part.”
“Got it!”
My trial is going to start today and my first patient with the dosage adjustment could be this one. I shouldn’t be happy, but there’s a hope inside me that I can’t contain when I think of the lives that don’t have to be destroyed because cancer seeps through every part of who these women are. Cancer is a growing thing, killing as it goes, and sometimes, it carries on after a person is gone, destroying the people they loved as they try to deal with the person’s death.
I look over the chart. Allison Brown is thirty-eight years old, married with no children and has stage II ovarian cancer. However, this is her second time fighting cancer. She’s the same age as me and the same age my mother was when she started her fight. Couldn’t I have had a case a little less close to home as my first?
Releasing a deep breath, I straighten my back, and head into her room.
A beautiful woman with long brown hair and soft green eyes looks at me with a tired smile.
“Hi, I’m Dr. Adams.” I move toward her bed and she shifts, trying to smother the pain in her face.
“I’m Ali.”
