Page 13 of You Loved Me Once
I’ve only been there twice, but she was there both times.
Once when I lost Bryce.
The other when I lost my mother.
“No, Ren. I know you’re not really an Ice Bitch, but it would be good to show others that. Westin especially. He loves you and you don’t see it.”
Again, she’s wrong. “Westin may feel more than he allows other people to perceive, but he doesn’t love me. We can’t...he can’t...it’s not possible. We’re comfortable, and what we have is all it’ll be. In some part of my heart, I wish it was different. He is perfect and I know that,” I tell her honestly. “I would fall for him in a heartbeat if I wasn’t so damaged, disillusioned, or driven.”
Julie laughs. “Stubborn, stupid, and masochistic were my descriptors, but those work too.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“You’re not the only one who had a college boyfriend who hurt her. I thought David and I were going to last forever, but I date andwantto find love again. You don’t have to live your entire life based on one relationship. I’m sorry you guys didn’t work out, but Jesus Christ, it’s been fourteen years, let it go already.”
Bryce wasn’t just some relationship. He was more. He was everything. It’s different. “I know you don’t understand it, but losing him and losing my mother, Julie, it was too much. I can’t explain it, and I know you and Martina think I’m ridiculous, but what I felt for him, it’s not like anything you could ever understand.”
“I know what love is, Ren.”
“This was love beyond measure.”
She shakes her head. “But he let you go and you now have to let him go, so that someone else can find a way in.”
“It’s not the—” I start to say but the speaker on my hospital phone beeps.
“Dr. Adams, please call nurses’ station seven.”
I give Jules an apologetic look. “You’re not going to listen anyway,” she says, laughing sarcastically.
That’s the one thing I love about her, she gives it straight and doesn’t mince words. It’s nice knowing what someone thinks without a filter—sometimes.
The phone picks up on the second ring. “Dr. Adams, one of your trial patients is here.”
“Now?”
There’s another three hours before the first grouping should be here. I’ve got the meeting with the board in twenty minutes, and we’re not allowed to start before then.
“Yes, she flew in from out of state, and wasn’t feeling great.”
Damn it. “Okay, get her set up in one of the rooms. I’ll be down soon, but let her know it’ll be a bit.”
“No problem,” Martina assures me.
Julie walks over and gives me a hug. “I’m so proud of you, Ren.”
“Thank you.”
“Seriously, this is a pretty cool day considering we were two drunk morons in college, but do me one favor . . .”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Julie needs to stop watching chick flicks and come back to reality. “Julie.”
“No,” she puts her hand up. “Just think about what would happen if Westin really got tired of being an afterthought. Think what your life would be like. Think about how you’d feel. I promise it’s not going to be good. You’re not a callous person, there’s no way that after this long your feelings aren’t deeper than they’d be for a casual fuck.”
He is more than that. He’s a friend and puts up with all my shit. I’ve been guarded, and haven’t allowed myself to want more.
Could I?
Am I ready to even consider it?
