Page 92 of Could Have Been Us
We fear the same things. What if Kinsley refuses? What if the answers we give make her loathe us? There is no way to know how she’ll react. She has never met us, and now we’re in charge of her life. Not a single thing regarding this is okay.
Not one.
And yet, we all know that this is the best option. Her going into the foster care system with a bunch of strangers for thirty days makes my stomach churn.
Samuel’s neighbor, who is a family practice lawyer, asks, “Are you all sure you don’t want to give her the illusion that you are foster parents? It may be one less thing.”
Samuel shakes his head. “She’s the smartest kid I know. She’ll take one look at Jack and know he’s her real father.”
Stella wipes at her face and then turns her head. “She’s the spitting image of him.”
“Not to mention, lying to her was never something Misty and I did. I won’t start now,” he says. “I have always prided myself on being honest, even if she may not have been old enough to understand.”
“Jack and I don’t want to lie either.”
We fall silent as headlights pull up to the front of the house. A car door closes, and I hear her voice. “Bye, thank you!”
My hand grips Stella’s a little tighter, and she does the same. I can feel my chest tighten, and a tingling sensation races through my veins. She’s going to walk through this door and nothing in the world will be the same.
I’ll be someone’s father. Her father. I’ll have to see what I gave away, look into her eyes again and know that, for so long, she’s been walking this world without us.
Guilt like I’ve never known before settles in my gut. I’m not good enough for her. I’m not the strong man I’ve tried to be. I’m just like my father. I ran from her when things were hard and stayed away because it was easier.
The door opens, and Samuel gets to his feet. He meets her in the foyer while Stella and I sit here.
“Jack?” she whispers. “I . . . I don’t know what to say.”
Her lip trembles, and the tears in her eyes break me. The look, the fear on her beautiful face, takes me back to that hospital and how powerless I felt.
“We’ll let Samuel lead it.”
She nods.
After another minute, he guides Kinsley into the living room. Stella and I stand, and my hand settles on her back, steadying her and also needing to keep ahold of something for my own sanity.
My mind races as I see Kinsley for the first time. Her dark brown hair with hints of light brown falls around her shoulders, and her hazel eyes, which are the exact same shade as mine, stare back at me.
She has Stella’s nose, and when she smiles, it’s like a time machine.
She’s equal parts of us. The beauty of Stella in her youth. A keen eye, measuring the room the way I did.
Samuel’s hand rests on her shoulder. He sighs deeply and then speaks. “Kinsley, this is Stella and Jack.”
Her eyes move between us, and then her soft voice fills the silence. “My biological parents.”
“Yes,” Samuel says. “We need to talk.”
She looks back to her father. “Are you giving me back?” Her voice goes high with panic.
Samuel moves fast, his hands cupping her face. “No, not like that. I . . . I need help. Come, let’s sit so we can talk.”
He leads her to the couch, but her eyes continue to look back at us. I can’t begin to imagine what’s going through her mind. Stella sits beside me, her hand on my thigh, and I cover it with my own. The room is filled with a million questions, emotions, and everyone is trying to hold it together.
Samuel begins, taking Kinsley’s hands in his. “Losing your mother has been...difficult for me. I’m not okay, Kinsley. I need to get help before it’s too late. Do you understand?”
“Daddy, I can help. I’m trying to do what I can around the house.”
He shakes his head. “You’ve been the only thing that has been able to keep me together until now. You are the reason I haven’t . . .” He trails off, and I squeeze Stella’s hand. It’s far worse than I think we thought. Samuel is killing himself slowly, and if it weren’t for Kinsley, he probably would’ve done far worse than just drink. “I can’t hold it together. I’m falling apart, and if I don’t get help, I’ll never be able to survive. And I can’t lose you.”
