Page 88 of Could Have Been Us
Her lip trembles. “I don’t know what to say. I feel . . . a lot.”
“I have been feeling it all night.”
Stella releases a shaky breath. “Jack, are you sure? You don’t have to do this.”
“No, I do. I thought about it all night. We may not have rights, but we have to help them. We sacrificed when we gave her up and we survived, we’ll do it again.”
Tears fill her eyes. “You’re a good man.”
“Only because of you.”
And it’s true. She makes me want to be better. While I would rather not deal with any of this, we have to. Samuel is struggling, and when we were drowning, he threw us a lifeline. We entrusted Kinsley in his care and I can’t turn my back on what’s happening to her now.
She rests her head back on my chest, and I feel the tears pool there. “Don’t cry, baby.”
“I’m not sad.” Stella lifts her head and wipes her cheeks. “I’m overwhelmed, and I was worried that this was going to break us.”
“It won’t. I won’t let it.”
“Me either.”
“Then we go down there with a plan. We help Samuel and Kinsley and come back home.”
“I agree. I’m scared,” she admits.
“Of?” There are a million things that she could be worried about, most of which are probably the same things I spent all night agonizing over. The biggest is seeing Kinsley. I don’t know what she knows. I don’t know how I’m going to see her and then leave her again. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through it again.
When I gave her over, it was the worst moment of my life. Giving the sweet little girl, who I loved even though I’d just met her, to another family is a feeling I’ll never forget.
I handed her to another person to love.
I gave her away.
I just don’t know that it won’t destroy me if she hates me for giving her up.
But for Stella, I’ll find a way to do what we can to help Samuel because I would rather endure the pain of having to never know Kinsley than allow Stella or our daughter to feel even a fraction of sadness.
“Seeing her this time. And if we do, leaving her or having to answer questions that I either can’t fully explain or I don’t want to.”
“You didn’t see her the last time, though?”
“No,” Stella says, looking away. “I didn’t, but she was at a friend’s house and I have no idea. I was scared when I went the last time.”
“Well, if we do see her, and have to go down that road, hopefully she’ll understand that we were kids.”
Stella shrugs a little. “We were, but we’re not now. We chose never to push the door open and ask for Misty to let us in further.”
Where I didn’t even see a door. I put studs, drywall, and a fucking steel cage around that door.
“You did what you had to.”
“We both did,” she says with understanding.
I push back the hair that clings to her lips. “All we know is that he needs help. We don’t know what kind of help or how bad it is. Whatever situation we walk into, we’ll handle it. Hopefully, this is like the last time.”
She smiles softly. “Right, we’ll go down, clean him up, help him with whatever, and be back home without anyone knowing.”
“Exactly.”
