Page 2 of Could Have Been Us
“Because we love her. Even if we can’t keep her.”
Three hearts beating, two breaking with the knowledge of what is to come. I will hand this little girl over to another family. I’ll give her a chance that she’ll never have with me. I start college in a few weeks, Jack is in his second year of grad school, and we don’t love each other. Well, at least he doesn’t love me.
“I’ll do whatever you want, Stella. I told you that. I’ll go against your father, your brother, the world if that’s what you need.”
He would too. He’s been great through it all. Jack offered to help me in whatever way I needed and supported my decision when I said I wanted to give her a better life than we could. The hardest part has been hiding it all from my brothers.
“I know, but I think we need to make the most unselfish decision we can ever make.”
No matter how it breaks us both.
There’s a knock on the door. The nurse peeks her head in. “Are you guys ready?”
I look down at my daughter again, my heart feeling as though it’s been torn from my chest. Is anyone ever ready for this? I don’t know how to do it. Jack stares down at me. “It’s time, Stella. If we’re going to do it, we have to do it now.”
I know he’s right. The longer I hold her, the more my head and heart war with each other.
My watery gaze goes back to the door. “We’re ready.”
The door closes again, and I tell my daughter everything. “I love you. I love you so much, and that is why I’m doing this. I will always love you. I’m so sorry, Kinsley. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough. Don’t ever think this was easy or that it was because I didn’t love you.” I glance back up to Jack. “Take her from me. Please, it has to be you. I can’t . . .”
Jack’s tears are brimming, ready to spill over as he reaches out, pulling Kinsley into his arms. “No matter what, I hope that someday you understand that this is the hardest thing we’ve ever done. Your mother is right that we love you, which is why we’re letting you have a better life.”
The door opens back up, and I turn my head, unable to witness this. I hear Jack’s footsteps as he carries our child across the room. Misty and Samuel are talking to Jack, and I turn on my side. I cry. I cry so hard that I worry I’ll drown. I cry so I don’t have to hear their words. I cry so I don’t have to watch them take this little girl out of my room.
I want to scream because none of this is fair.
One night changed every possibility I could ever have.
Jack doesn’t know how much I’m giving up. He can’t understand that I’m losing my daughter and probably the only piece of him I’ll ever have. I love him so much, and this finalized that we will never be.
A hand touches my back. “Stella.” Jack’s deep voice reverberates in the small space.
I sob harder, and he pulls me into his arms. I clutch him, knowing that this will be the last time he ever holds me. I try not to think about all that’s fading from my grasp or how I’ll endure the rest of my life like this.
Pretending I never had a baby.
Pretending I don’t love Jack.
Pretending it all is fine when I’ll feel empty.
Jack rubs my back, holding me close as I try to let it go. When I emerge from this room, I won’t be the same again because I no longer have a heart.
Chapter 2
Stella
~Twelve Years Later~
“You should get this dress,” Winnie says as she holds up a scrap of fabric she pulled from the rack.
“That’s a dress?”
She checks the tag. “Sure is.”
“I’m not twenty-one anymore,” I remind her.
“No, but you’re not dead either. Plus, neither of us is married or in a serious relationship. We need to at least look hot when we go out.”
