Page 149 of Could Have Been Us
I sigh. “I’m sorry I never told you about any of it.”
Winnie shakes her head. “I’m not mad, Stell. I get why you didn’t tell me. I think I was more upset that you have gone through all this on your own for this long.”
“It wasn’t easy.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t. You and I have never kept secrets, and yet you had a kid with Jack.”
I wanted to tell her so many freaking times, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t just my secret to share.
“We made promises, Jack and I, when she was born. It was better to keep the circle as small as possible.”
She gives me a soft smile. “Still, it was a lot for you to handle on your own.”
“Yeah, but . . . I survived.” I decide to switch topics because the longer we go down this road, the more likely it will be that she’ll ask about Kinsley, and I really want to stop hurting for a bit and enjoy my best friend. “Tell me more about Easton . . .”
She launches into a discussion, telling me about how great he is and the dates they’ve gone on. I’ve never seen her so animated and happy before. It’s sweet, and there’s no one in the world who deserves this more than she does. “I don’t know, I can’t explain it,” she says all dreamy-like. “I think about him all the time. He makes me smile, and he’s just a great guy.”
“Why didn’t you bring him to Amelia’s party?” I ask.
“And have him meet my sister and Gray for the first time with your entire family? No thanks.”
I laugh, understanding all too well.
“He hasn’t met Gray and Jess yet?”
“No, I’m avoiding that until I decide we might get married, and even then, I may keep him away from Gray.”
Grayson is very protective of anyone he thinks he should be. Winnie never fell into that category until he married her sister. Now she’s enjoying all the “benefits” that come along with it.
“He gets better,” I lie.
“Yeah, I don’t believe you.” We sit on the couch, and Winnie’s hand rests on my arm. “I would’ve come by sooner, but I figured you might need time.”
“I did. Your texts were appreciated, though, and I know you would’ve come if I asked.”
“In a second. How is Jack doing?” Her voice takes a weird tone as she draws the question out slowly.
“He’s better than I am—or, at least, he’s better at pretending he is. I always thought of myself as strong, and then this happened, and I don’t know who I am.”
I’ve grappled with this so much. I don’t cry. At least not like this. I may get upset, shed a few tears, and then move on. Having panic attacks? Not me. It was just too much. Like the weight of the world landed on me, and I couldn’t get out from under it. I knew what the outcome would be from the minute we agreed to help Samuel, but leaving her again, it tore my heart from my chest.
It’s been over a week since I’ve talked to her, and I am struggling with that too.
“You’re the same, Stell. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, and I won’t pretend that I can, but you’re allowed to feel and cry and be angry. It was a horrible situation that you and Jack knew wouldn’t be easy. But you are a far better human than I ever could be.”
I give her a look that says I don’t believe that. “You’d do the same.”
“No, I don’t know that I would.”
I exhale and look out the window at the horizon. “You would. There’s nothing a mother won’t do for her kid, even if it means staying away.”
“I’m sorry.”
I give her a half-hearted smile. “Don’t. She’s a great kid, and I’m proud that I brought her into this world, even if I don’t get to walk beside her.”
“That’s beautiful, Stell. And you never know when she may want that door opened.”
I think of her text and the call that never came. “I know.” I grip Winnie’s hand and smile. “Cake?”
