Page 134 of Could Have Been Us
Jack is watching me with a look of concern on his face. He’s dealing with the same thing and being so strong. I hate that once again, I’m doing this to him. I’m asking him to shoulder all of it. My pain. His pain. The insurmountable amount of anger and frustration with the situation in general.
When I move through the water toward him, he opens his arms so I can nestle against him. Here is where I’m safe. Where I can believe that it’ll be okay because I have this amazing man by my side.
My arms wrap around his neck, and I settle a leg on each side of his hips. Any other day, this would be something else, but right now, it’s comfort only. Jack clutches me to his chest as I tuck my face against his neck so we can just breathe each other in and cling to one another.
“I miss her,” I say.
“I know.”
“How do you miss someone you barely know?”
He kisses the side of my head. “You know her. We both do, and that’s why it hurts.”
I lean back, looking into those hazel eyes that hold so much love for me it’s crippling. “I struggle because this is the right thing. Samuel needs her far more than we do, and she needs him, but yet I need her. I want to laugh with her or smile at her facial expressions when she doesn’t like something. I want to watch her try to solve some math problem that is far over my head and then witness the joy when she figures it out. When she is sick, I want to be the one to make her better, and yet, I am all too aware that I gave away the right to want any of that when she was a baby.”
He lifts his hand, resting it on my cheek. “And Samuel didn’t slam the door in our faces about it. We have to hold out hope that he opens that door for us.”
A tear falls down my cheek. “I keep telling myself that. Now that she knows that we’re not horrible people and that we want her too, she will push for us.”
“She might.”
I release a shaky breath, and lay my head back down on his shoulder. “She might, but for now, I can’t think about it.”
Jack’s hand moves up and down my back, lulling me into a state of peace.
We stay like this for a long time, surrounded in the steam and warmth, bare to each other. We don’t try to fill the silence, choosing to just hold one another, kissing each other’s cheeks, necks, or noses when the moment presents itself.
Even in all the turmoil, I don’t drift too far because of him.
He tethers me, and I have never been more grateful for the love we share than I am now. Without Jack, I don’t know if I could survive this.
Chapter 40
Jack
Stella and I stay in the cabin, completely alone for two days. The people we love allow us the quiet time, and I’m grateful for it.
There is a level of grief we feel is too prodigious for anyone else to understand it.
On the third day, the peace we’ve started to settle into is disrupted.
By a very welcome person.
“Uncle Jack? Auntie Stella?” Amelia’s small voice causes us both to get up off the couch and head to the door.
But before we get there, her face is pressed to the window, her hands cupped around her face, as she peers in. “I see you!” she yells.
Stella’s smile is bright, and she lets out a soft laugh that almost sounds like a sob, but a happy one. “Melia,” Stella says as she opens the door before dropping down, pulling her into her arms. “Hi, my sweet little angel.”
“Are you sad? Daddy says you’re sad.”
She looks up at Grayson, who doesn’t try to look apologetic. “You are.”
Stella’s eyes turn back to Amelia. “I am, but I’m feeling much better now that you came to see me.”
Amelia’s hands frame Stella’s face. “Don’t be sad, Auntie. It’ll be okay because I love you.”
“I love you most.”
